What is Love ?

"I'll get bored with you and I'll feel trapped because that's what happens with me."
-as heard while watching
the 2004 film
"Eternal Sunshine
of the Spotless Mind"

I heard Anthony Hopkins recite the following words while watching the 1986 film, "84 Charing Cross Road":

He Wishes for the Cloths of Heaven
By William Butler Yeats

Had I the heavens embroidered cloths
En wrought with golden and silver light.
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under you feet;
But I, being poor, have only my dreams.
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Later, I found these words on the Internet by a girl named Tina about the profound words above. She wrote:

I simply love this verse...I cannot think of any other lines that better
express my deepest thoughts about the question one so often searches for the
answers to: 'what is love?'

I first came across these lines in a book called "The Charmed Circle", when
I was all of 14 years old... To my young and (as yet) unimpressioned mind,
it spoke of a love so deep, so earnest and so 'giving' that it stayed with
me through the years in the quiet recesses of my mind, echoing gentle
reminders in soft undertones... "Tread softly because you tread on my
dreams"...

The years may have flown by since then and my impressions of love washed in
the many colours of experience... but the spirit of this verse remains.
Tina.

Twenty-five years ago today:

October 5, 1984
Friday

I went to work and in the morning. It was ‘Rock Around the Clock’ happiness around the office. Eileen came up with this idea to write-up a TGIF (Thank God It’s Friday) General Information File. She wrote up a description of me which went something like:

‘Michael is longing to go to the Hard Rock Café with someone (line-up).’

It was a silly sort of 1950’s game, but I got a few invitations from Elizabeth Center, Bobbie Renbarger, Karyn Kossoff and some questionable ones from Patty Reid and Sue Leith.

Work was a breeze today. We had more RCF (Remote Call Forwarding) Sales Training spearheaded by Sue Leith that lasted until 12:30PM.

I participated in the Pot Luck lunch festivities, and then I went to Emporium, Macy’s, Security Pacific Bank and the General Nutrition Center with David Vigil. David is very well-built but he is too effeminate and gay for me to handle.

I did my typical cycling routine after the workday. I saw Birda at about 7PM or so. I had not seen her in a while.
“Oh, I’ve been working my buns off,” Birda explained.
I didn’t say it aloud but I thought her buns could literally look more ‘worked off’.

I telephoned Paloma from work to see how she was doing.
“You won’t believe it!”
“What? Tell me,” I gasped.
“I learned who my obscene caller is!”
Ironically, it was someone that she knew. She didn’t feel like going out tonight. I did not want to go out either. We agreed that we’d consider some sort of outing for this coming Saturday.

Mom telephoned to say, “Mike Miller called.”
“Okay Thanks, I'll give him a call.”
I decided to call Mike Miller and invite him over. While waiting for him to arrive I was looking through the latest Undergear, International Male and Spiegel catalogs for myself and for potential Christmas gift giving.

I received a letter from Maria in Mexico after all. She is anxious for me to come to visit her country. I have the last week of this month free. I am debating on Mexico, Hawaii, Los Angeles or simply sticking around here with peppered visits to the Stanford Shopping Center in Palo Alto or perhaps apply for part-time work at Wilkes-Bashford, Macy’s or Neiman-Markus in San Francisco.
When Mike Miller came by and he got my subconscious mind flourishing and fluttering. Bobbie tends to do that to me when she mentions her own business and the VIP Retirement Program.

“I’m considering dropping work and going to Arkansas for school for a couple of years,” Mike Miller said.
“What? Are you serious?” I asked as I realized his lengthy vacation to Belgium must have got a lot of things going through his mind.

Vacations away tend to do that to one’s mind. Vacations make us reevaluate the things going on in our lives. His thoughts got me serious about taking one class at Stanford University and/or working part-time at some ‘posh’ men’s clothing store.

“Boo Hoo” as Mike Miller left at around 10PM. He had to go to work at United Parcel Service at 10:30PM tonight. Ouch. Yawn.

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One-Night Stand

Almost it seems a dream to me,
but unfortunately it had to be shattered unmercifully by leaving.
-Nial Kent
“The Divided Path”

Another joke shared with me this week is being shared with you, today.

‘The Definition of Chutzpah’

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel.

And this went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him.

"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."

Twenty-five years ago today:

September 13, 1984
Thursday

Today is my 8-month anniversary of meeting Chris Cordellos. It is ‘most definitely’ over between us. It is just as well. I am sort of ridiculously sad about it at times. I know we are on friendly terms. I remained home in the morning, thinking he may call. I washed my car until it was about 10:30AM.

I decided to drive to Lake Temescal and lay there on the lawn and take on a few sun rays. While I was there I met an Irish guy named Danny who was twenty-seven years old who was originally from Michigan. He looked a lot older than I. He was pleasant enough but that was the beginning and end of it.

I did my sun bathing bit until about 2:30PM and went home to see Mom. I enjoyed something to drink and then returned to my place.

I ended up writing that letter to Jim Koran in Los Angeles. I wrote him quite a few words, sending him that bicycle card that I had been holding for such a long time.

After writing to Jim I escaped for a forty-minute cycling excursion. I stopped over at mom and dad’s again because I had realized I locked myself out of my house. My mind has been adrift. Fortunately, Dad had a spare key to the townhouse but he was working the swing shift today. It looked like I was spending the evening with mom until we had a brainstorm idea. I transported Dad’s step ladder to the townhouse; whereby, I jumped the townhouse roof and into my backyard. My sliding door was open! Voila! I successfully got over and into my pad. It worked out nicely. I chalked it up as another adventure with mom.

I decided to dress all safari-like with my army green tie and new belt and drove into San Francisco. I decided to go to Hamburger Mary’s first because it was too early for action at The Oasis nightclub. I met a lady named Karen while having my 5pm cocktail. She will supposedly be calling me at 7 o’clock tonight and we may go out together. Is she ‘for real’? I hope she calls. She was having dinner with a girlfriend who seemed rather ‘lesbian’ through my eyes.
“Well, meet me over at The Oasis later,” I told them just in case she fails to telephone later.

I met a redheaded fellow from Daly City named Richard who was talking to me while at Hamburger Mary’s.
“Yeah, there’s a nude beach in Los Gatos and in the Oakland Hills,” Richard said.
“What is it about nude beaches these days?” I quietly thought to myself.

He did make it sound kind of interesting. Richard said he would be calling me around noon on Sunday to see about going to a nude beach. I cannot believe I gave him my telephone number. I doubt I will hear from him again. He said he planned to go to The Oasis, too.

It was around midnight and I was feeling bored at ‘The Oasis’. It’s rather lonely when you go to a nightclub alone. I felt like a wallflower and ‘out of place’ until the cocktail buzz kicked in. I bid farewell to Karen and her weird friend and Richard who were all at The Oasis now. I just didn't want to be there tonight. It wasn't fun like the Karyn Kossoff dancing night.

I had the munchies and decided to walk around the block to Hamburger Mary’s again for that avocado burger on toast that I love. I sat at the bar counter all by my lonesome when a reasonably looking gentleman walked in and sat next to me. He had an unblemished face and was attractive but I believed him to be 'straight'.

We made tidbit conversation about Hamburger Mary’s food and each others’ occupation.
“I took a taxi from my job here. I bus tables at ‘The Stars’. I also have a private butler service called ‘William’,” he said.
It sounded interesting. He told me his name was William Wilkerson. Our small talk continued.
“Would you like a ride home?” I asked.
He seemed a tad tipsy and I figured it would be a kind gesture.
“You know, I don’t really live that far away. I can share some tie with you,” William said.
I didn’t realize it at the time but ‘tie’ is a slang term for ‘really good weed’.

I was hesitant but since I was on vacation I figured ‘what the heck’.
He lived off of Van Ness Avenue in a small apartment. He had one cat and three kittens! His place was a complete shambles. What a mess. He could not even find that joint he had told me about. It was no wonder, looking at his cluttered place. I made motions to depart when he said something that surprised me.
“Do you have to rush off?”
“Well, I could have a glass of water.”

We did more small talk. He has an intelligent way of speaking so concisely. I started to find him rather dull and unusual in terms of his philosophical way of thinking about Buddha and having faith in his God. He showed me an ‘immortal’ symbolic tattoo of gracefulness on his arm.
“I am always in a joyous way,” William said.
I knew better. By just looking around his apartment I did not feel much joy. He could not always be as joyous as he seems to believe. Soon he came out with a point blank question that stumped me.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but you were cruising me tonight, right?”
I was astounded. Avoidance began to set in my mind. Why do people assume things?
“I dunno,” I replied.

Perhaps I was curious to see what might happen. I was not sure he was into boys. The Hamburger Mary’s in Hawaii is ultra gay, but the one in San Francisco is a simple restaurant that everyone goes to visit.
“Would you like to jerk off?”
I’m sure the expression on my face was scared, yet excited. William began to massage my lips with his fingers. That was unusual but exciting. He gave me a complete massage right there on the floor of his messy apartment. I think I heard a cat meow. I don't need to get into details of the 'complete massage'. Imagine.

In the end I was driving home and did not feel too great after the sensual happenings. I just knew this was all a waste of time. It was horrible. This was literally a ‘one night stand’.

I now only had the Karen I had met earlier this evening on my mind. I arrived home at 2AM and went to bed in hopes of converting some of the reality into a dream.

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Relax, Take It Easy

He said, “Creative artists
have a much more consuming sexual energy
than regular people.”
-as heard during
The NYC Broadway show
“The Philanthropist”
Starring Matthew Broderick

The hot question during these early innovative days is “Should I BING or Should I GOOGLE?” I am beginning to prefer BING. So when in doubt relax and “BING it!”
www.bing.com
It is all a matter of choice (really). I found it funny though when I was in a car in London en route to Cambridge, England recently that I should witness a transaction. There was a young man in a souvenir shop buying a t-shirt with the words imprinted on the shirt 'F--K Google, Ask Me'. It seems many are trying to make a statement in some way or another.

It is time to share another song I discovered in Europe called 'Relax, Take It Easy' by some guy named “MIKA”. The song came in handy when we were lost, circling inside Costa Brava Spanish roads in slight frustration. I remember seeing these rolled up bales of hay and thinking,
"We'll never get to this hotel."

And now the scene is imprinted in my mind as a BEAUTIFUL moment. I remember seeing a sign near this 'bales of hay' location. We were in a town called VERGES. Boy, was I on the verge...but then the 'Relax, Take It Easy' song came on. It was perfect timing. When having a stressful day and the espresso has taken charge one must play this song.

http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=relax+take+it+easy%2C+mika&docid=562439782413&mid=91F5D635E41193B10BF091F5D635E41193B10BF0&FORM=VIVR
The song has good words to live by.
"Relax, Take It Easy"

Took a ride to the end of the line
Where no one ever goes.
Ended up on a broken train with nobody I know.
But the pain and the longing's the same.
Where the dying
Now I'm lost and I'm screaming for help.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

It's as if I'm scared.
It's as if I'm terrified.
It's as if I scared.
It's as if I'm playing with fire.
Scared.
It's as if I'm terrified.
Are you scared?
Are we playing with fire?

Relax
There is an answer to the darkest times.
It's clear we don't understand but the last thing on my mind
Is to leave you.
I believe that we're in this together.
Don't scream - there are so many roads left.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
Relax, take it easy
Blame it on me or blame it on you.

It's as if I'm scared.
It's as if I'm terrified.
It's as if I scared.
It's as if I'm playing with fire.
Relax
It's as if I'm terrified.
Are you scared?
Are we playing with fire?

PHOTO: MIKA


Twenty-five years ago today

June 16, 1984
Saturday

I had a weird dream Friday night. I dreamt of ‘Gina’ (Sherri’s girlfriend). I also dreamt of Chris. It was strange. I don’t even remember it clearly except that it was fairly sexual.

Well, it is now Saturday night and on this day I went to pick up my framed prints. While I was waiting I found myself purchasing an 8 x 10 frame. One can never have too many. Maybe I will use it for that freebie portrait I have scheduled for on June 27th.

I stopped over at ‘Designs Unlimited’ to look at the furniture. Then I hit ‘Piggy Malone’s for a vase for Salima’s birthday which is on June 28th. I also bought a tie ($4.50); candles, cards and a feather duster.

I was about to go for bike ride when I discovered that my ‘pride and joy’ had a flat tire. I felt sadness. I went to Joe’s Bike Shop to have it repaired with a new tire. I am such a convenience buyer. I ended up buying a HARD RACING Bike T-shirt. I did have a good, smooth ride with the new tire replacement. It stopped by 3330 Cook Lane and enjoyed a slice of pizza and a Dr. Pepper.

PHOTO: 1984-Michael J Armijo
and Ashley M Armijo

Ashley and I went on an outing together. I went to Safeway and La Val’s Pizza with her. It was fun being with ‘Ash’. I ended up hanging out with Sherri and her Dad (Bob). I helped transfer a couple of loads of clothes from her house to 3330 Cook Lane. It was a different kind of workout. I prefer bicycling. I was tired. My legs were tired from the earlier bike ride, too. It was cool though. I just cannot wait to move into my pad again at 3348 Solomon Lane. I hit the sack by eleven o’clock on this night.

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Silence of the Mind

Waking from a bad dream does not necessarily console you.
It can also make you fully aware of the horror you just dreamed,
and even of the truth residing in that horror.
I set off towards home in tears, and I couldn’t stop crying until…
-Bernhard Schlink
"The Reader"

Twenty-five years ago today:

June 8, 1984
Friday

I listened to a Sales Training today that was conducted by my brother, Tony. It was rather boring. It made for a ‘bit’ of a learning adventure and a ‘freebie’ afternoon.

When I was released from work I was delighted to see Chris outside of the Downtown Pac Tel building waiting for me. Chris walked with Steve Gaster and me to my parked car.
“Meet me at my house at six o’clock,” I told Chris as I drove off to take Steve home.

I learned that Chris went to MACY’s Clearance Center for the day. He was also at his mom’s after repairing his flat tire in San Leandro. He bought me a T-shirt. It was a thoughtful gift.

When I arrived home Tony and Helen were there but they soon departed. Chris arrived at 6:45pm just when Michael Thoennes had called.
“I’m going to San Mateo on B Street,” Michael T said, indicating a suggestion to meet.
“We may go later,” I answered after explaining that Chris was in town.

Chris and I went to Horatio’s in San Leandro for a cocktail. We enjoyed dinner at Casa Maria. It was filling but we continued on to Red Robin for a ‘Cookie Magic’ and a ‘Mai Tai’ cocktail. Our buzz indicators led us to B Street in San Mateo; however, I allowed Chris to do the driving.

It was a nice place. We danced a lot at this gay club that was quite unfamiliar. We left by 12:45am because I was just too tired and yearned to leave the place. Chris was bummed out about my wanting to split the scene. We had a gruesome arguing of our silent minds on the way home. The tension could be felt from the quietness alone.

During the drive I suggested coffee at LYONS or a visit to a bar on Mission Boulevard in Hayward that I knew.
“I don’t care,” Chris clipped quietly (which meant he DID care).
I learned later that he was bummed out I didn’t act on my suggestion. Instead, I parked my car by the Bay Farm Island Bridge and we walked a while. Then we quickly left after Chris got sick (vomit sick)!

We drove to my house when my Dad came outside to do a midnight watering of the lawn!
Chris and I talked to him a while and told him about the dancing experience at ‘The Black Angus’. The night had come to an end. Yawn.

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Incredible

"We know what we are,
but know not what we may be."
-William Shakespeare

Imagine this incredible story based on a novel by Theodore Pratt. A bespectacled, bookkeeper named Henry loves his pet fish so much that he longs to be one. When Henry's wish comes true and he's turned into a talking fish, the simple ocean life he'd envisioned proves more exciting than mundane.

The story was made into a film in 1964. I thought of it the other day and wanted to give it an honorable mention. It is one of my childhood memories when I was only five years old. If there are any children in your life. It's a must see! It will unleash a bit of fun and imagination for everyone.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dy20eaJNdDo

The 1942 book by Theodore Pratt (Mr. Limpet) is NOT readily available except for collectible copies. If you get your hands on a copy, SAVE IT!


Twenty-five years ago today:

April 29, 1984
Sunday

After breakfast I drove out to MACY's to buy the living room area rug that I had seen with Chris a couple of weeks ago. I was happy to see that it was still there.

I had a fun-filled Noon to 3:30PM bicycle ride along the beach. It means a lot to me to 'enjoy my solitude'. It makes me feel good to see others (strangers) who are just hangin' out and connecting. Everyone will give 'goo-goo' eyes or whistle, honk or stare. It's amusing how the world can be as they search for mutuality.

I returned home and mom was gone. She was attending Sherri's baby shower at the Solomon Lane Townhouse. I decided to watch 'Master of the Game', a TV-mini series. The title seemed right up my alley.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086755/

I took a nap until 5:30PM when the telephone rang. It was Western Union calling to give my brother, Tony, a telegram. I believe it was in regard to his friend, Dennis Reno, and his illness.
"Could you call back at around eight o'clock?" I asked.
I gave Tony the message as soon as he walked into the house.

At 5:30PM Chris Cordellos telephoned with good news.
"I just laid back and did nothing all weekend," Chris announced.
He went on to say how he took in the sun and specifically did not go out on Friday or Saturday nights.
"Well, I called you Friday night and there was no answer," I said.
"Oh, there was something wrong with the fun," Chris readily replied.
Chris continued, "There we so many happenings on Friday night with Jim Severn and Edward. And I had this dream. I was driving in a car with someone and a guy was walking over the bridge. I drove up next to him and drew a curtain inside my car."

We all dream our problems. What did his dream mean? I felt fear and worry indicators about his concern about our relationship coming to an end. The bridge is not a good place for him to be because he had told me that a dear friend of his had jumped off of a bridge. When he told me of his dream it made me freak. Then again, I feel good at the same time.

Chris is a good friend and my intention is to maintain the friendship and closeness.
When I telephoned Chris again at 11PM we tried to talk but he kept saying "Yeah" a lot. This was to supposed to indicate that Barb was in the room. We still managed a reasonably good talk. We always do.

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Delightful Tickling

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started."
-Sally Berger

The following is on page 8 of the 'Te Matare Ramirez'
Restaurante menu in Buenos Aires, Argentina

She has always been like that. Innately fun loving, just like me, or perhaps, even more than me. Justiniana is never wrong concerning matters of pleasure. It is what I like most about her, even more than her voluptuous hips or her silky pubic hair, so delightfully tickling to the palate: her swift fantasy and accurate instinct to recognize, within the confusion of this world, the sources of amusement and pleasure.

Her small mouth of red lips will kiss my foot and will suck each one of my toes as lime and lemon are sucked during the feverish summertime afternoons. We will soon be intertwined, frolicking in the sibilant silk of the blue blanket, absorbed in the sheer bliss from where life springs. The forest will hear us sigh as we swoon and, all of a sudden cry as if fatally wounded. A second later we will be heard laughing and kidding. And still entangled, we will doze off in a peaceful dream.

Twenty-five years ago today:

Saturday, March 31, 1984

It was raining during this Arcata, California morning. I didn't let it depress me. Chris didn't mind it. Barbara didn't mind the rain either. We drove together to the Samoa Cookhouse. I treated them to breakfast. It was delicious home cooking. I had scrambled eggs, french toast and sausage.

We continued on to the Old Town of Eureka. I bought a few 'future journals' for myself. I also found a 'Baby Book' that Sherri might like for little 'Shane' or 'Ashley'. I bout a tie for $6.99. Chris found a fashionable jacket to match for $22 at the Vintage shop in town. It was great fun browsing the boutiques.

We continued on for miles to a small town known as Ferndale. We looked through shop after shop. I bought a few postcards and actual greeting cards from Mom and Barbara Reynolds. I found a cool 'bike pin' and a 'bike charm' that I now use on my silver chain that Helen gifted me.

After the exploring of Ferndale, California we were a bit tired and enjoyed some ice-cream at Bon Boniere in Old Town Eureka. We had to return to 'Chris & Barbara's' home to lounge now. I took some pictures and we listened to tunes.

Barbara was sweet to make a home-cooked meal for the three of us. The main course was chicken and snow peas.

Jim Severn and some other Coast Guard fellow named Dan stopped by. We drank wine and 'wine coolers' and got ready to go to "Mojo's". This is a big place with a live group called 'A Band Of Desperate Men'. Chris and I heckled about the name of the band.

A blond chick, visiting from Los Angeles asked me to dance. She was actually from Coronado.
"You dance like you're from L.A.," she said while we were dancing.
I couldn't help but take that as a complement.

We left the Mojo's joint. It was fun doing a little slam dancin' with Chris and Barbara.

The most eventful part of the evening was our non-stop cracking up while at Denny's. The waitress looked like a "poodle". We tried to walk out without paying for our meal just to see what would happen. It was an embarrassment that we would not quickly forget. We weaseled our way out of it by saying we were 'out of it'. It sounded like a good explanation and I am a smooth talker. Chris tried to foolishly run. I remained calm. During the drive home we talked and talked and talked about the foolish motive. We all regretted it.

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Fire In The Hole

"Your gift is like no other," he said, and to himself, I shall treasure it always.
-Bette Bao Lord,
in her book
Spring Moon

For the last few years one of my photographer friends has shared words of wisdom and her expertise of 'floral photos' with me. Her name is Andi Hardwick. In her portfolio at EyeFetch.com she wrote:

'You'll see a lot of shots of flowers for a reason. When I was laid off from my job as a PC designer, for the third time, my partner and I decided to start our own business, a neighborhood garden center, "Grandma's Gardens". In order to identify the Iris colors, I took their portraits. Needless to say, we have many more flowers now, and they all smile for the camera. I hope some of their faces infect yours with smiles also. Enjoy!'

I had an ongoing joke with her about one floral photo (pictured above). She even changed the caption title to one I suggested: "Fire In The Hole". I bought a greeting card version of the shot at her RedBubble.com site:
www.redbubble.com/people/ahardwick

Andi passed away last Tuesday, February 10th in San Jose, CA. She fought a hard battle not once but twice against cancer, this time it won the war. She was so talented and I will miss her photography. Her charm and humor lives on with me. I never did meet her face-to-face but I always felt her spirit, love and joy.

Today I have chosen an excerpt from a recent book (I recently finished reading: 'Spring Moon' by Bette Bao Lord) as a tribute to her life and recent passing:

Why do children cry in the night? He tried to remember.
He asked softly, "What is the matter? Do not cry! Was it a bad dream?"
The child shook his head. Slowly the tears fell like brave soldiers before the King.
"Was it a ghost?"
"I..." His words burst forth. "I do not want to die, I do not want to die like True Mother. Why do I have to die?"
He put his arms around him, comforting him.
"You see, if no one died, the world would be a terrible place. There would be too many people, no room to grow food or play. So it is better to have a season and live each minute until it is time to join our ancestors."
The boy nodded, "Tell me what will death be like?"
"Do you remember what it was like before you were born?"
He shook his head.
"Did you feel anything bad?"
"No."
"Were you frightened?"
"No."
"I think that is what death will be like."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. Now lie back and I will sit here until you are asleep."

Twenty-five years ago today:

Thursday, February 16, 1984

Lexi called me from 'Passport Photo' in San Francisco (her workplace) while I was working today. I returned her call and we exchanged a few words.
"I saw Bill at the Trocadero Night Club and he mentioned you," Lexi shared.
"Yeah, what did he say?" I asked.
"He actually said you were an 'old age' item and that he hadn't talked to you lately," she revealed.
Did she call him on his behalf? Did she really call just to share her conversation with Bill Helbush? She wanted to discuss more.
"Why don't I call you at around seven o'clock?" she asked.
"Sure."

I had a traditional dinner at home with mom, dad and Tony before I headed out with errands on my mind. It was fun to experience family, fun, laughter and togetherness.

I went to Pro-Cuts in Alameda for a quick hair trimming. James cut my hair. He was a nice, quiet, reserved sort of fellow. He captured my interest during our small talk. I was also happy with the haircut. I might have to go to Pro-Cuts more often.

I loved the sight of the full moon during my drive into Berkeley, California. I was looking for the Velo Sport Bike Shop. I had no luck finding it on Grove Street. Little did I know that the street name was recently changed to Martin Luther King Road. I was so 'fed up' from driving around in circles that I split the scene and went home.

I arrived home to the telephone ringing. It was Chris Cordellos, of course. He is still in the hospital. We talked about his day...then my day.
"I will try and visit you on Friday after work," I said.
I could almost see his smile through the invisible telephone wires.

I was surprised to receive a call from Alexis. We made a date for this coming Saturday. She agreed to come to my pad.
"I will be here," I said, "just call me between six and seven."
I figured we could redefine specific plans at that time.

Mom dropped by later to bring a VHS-videotape. She insisted it was a good TV-movie. I was too sleepy to watch it tonight though. I went straight to bed.

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Bizarre Love Triangle

"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely."
-Ogden Nash

It's time for a song. I loved this song when it was introduced by the group NEW ORDER. New Order is an English rock group formed in 1980 by the remaining members of Joy Division following the suicide of singer Ian Curtis.

There is a movie I recently added to my NETFLIX list called CONTROL. It is about the death of Ian Curtis. I look forward to watching this story.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=7c2_B_cWK_M

Listen to BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDD41R_5eR8

The lyrics:

Every time i think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

Twenty-five years ago today:

Monday, January 30, 1984

I submitted my Pacific Bell ideas to the Division Staff Management today. Work went smoothly today. I told Susan, Pat, Mathilda and Ben a dirty joke (the one that ends 'but Mom...you told me not to talk with my mouth full'). Ben got a kick out of it.

I ate lunch at the Pot Belly Deli today.

Leslie Fonseca called me at around 4pm per Salima. I did not call her back. Am I a creep? I don't think so. I will call her when I am in the mood to do so.

I called mom on break to chat a bit. During break I told Salima and Rose that I may be (HOH) 'Head Over Heals' over Nancy. Am I really?

After work I cruised via bicycle to Dad's and ate a couple of tuna sandwiches. I was back home before one could blink an eyelash. The phone rang within minutes of my entering my pad. It was Chris Cordellos.

Chris is interesting but I am worried about his back problem. It sounds very bad. We made definitive plans for a visit to Huntington Beach in June 'no matter what'. Chris tells me he has been considering art, fashion design, sewing and cosmetology as potential careers. He speaks so ambitiously of these fields. He seems to have a lot of ideas. The only problem is that he seems unsure as to where to turn and what to do. I am glad I am his friend. He appreciates my advice. He is always requesting my opinions.

The disc on Chris' lower back fell and may be touching his spinal cord.
"It may require an operation," Chris said.
"If you need it I think you better get it done soon," I advised.
"You're right. I have an appointment any minute," he confirmed.
I went on to share the two classes that I have decided to take at the College of Arts & Crafts in North Oakland.
"That sounds good," he interjected, "I still might move to Arcata, it's near Eureka."

Chris wants to do so many things. It will be interesting to learn when and where things will end up. Chris explained that he was calling me from Oak Knoll Hospital. Poor guy. I wonder if our 'no matter what' trip to Huntington Beach will actually happen.

Later that night I had another call from Chris.
"You won't believe it, Michael. I had a dream about you." he said.
"Really?" I asked, "What was it about?"
"Well, you got married." he announced.
It was funny to hear his words because I think I had the same dream but the bride was a blur. Was it Nancy? Was it Paloma? Who was it?

The 'powers that be' say that we dream about our problems and forecast solutions this way. How true is that? I wonder if (and when) I'll ever marry? I am a bit curious to know. Then again I am willing to wait longer than usual for that 'big step'. If Barbara Reynolds (age 38) and Helen Wong (age 35) have remained single all of this time then why can't I just be happy and 'wait n' see'? What is going to happen? How is it going to be? I will just remain happy for now.

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The 'Jon Bon Jovi' Dream

Two nights ago I was having dinner in San Francisco. Someone brought up the subject of age. One fellow surprised me when he announced that he turned forty years old this year. He looked no more than thirty years old.
“Yikes, I will be fifty next year,” I said.
Another thirty something fellow remarked, “Really? I never would’ve guessed.”
“Well, thanks. Yes, I am the same age as Marie Osmond and a year younger than Michael Jackson and Madonna.”
“Madonna is ageless,” the thirty something said with an eyebrow raise.

The next night I was having cocktails with a small group in Napa Valley.
“What are we going to do for our birthdays next year?” one woman whispered.
Like me, this woman is going to be turning fifty-years old in 2009.
“That’s right. We have to talk about that. We have five decades to celebrate,” I replied.
She smiled.
“Madonna is ageless and she’s a year older than us,” I added.
Madonna was born on August 16, 1958 in Bay City, Michigan.

And so I think that is one of the reasons Jon Bon Jovi appeared in my dreams last night. He is nearing fifty-years old (in about three years). He was born on March 2, 1962 in Perth Amboy, New Jersey.
www.imdb.com/name/nm0000954/
I don’t always remember my dreams but this one is all too vivid. It must have been the varietal of wine mixtures over dinner.

The ‘Jon Bon Jovi’ Dream:

I was in a modern, lived-in New York City apartment. There were two women inside who seemed very focused and busy. One was a petite brunette and the other was a short-haired blond who resembled actress Tea Leoni.
www.imdb.com/name/nm0000495/

Jon Bon Jovi was there, lying on a bed. He was posing shirtless and trying to look natural as the two girls photographed him. I was the observer. The photo shoot seemed to be coming to an end.
“You two are really going to make out nice on this job,” I said quietly.
“We have to split the fifty-dollars,” the blond said.
Now I’d say her statement is a sincere sign of these somber economic times.

The girls packed up their equipment and left the apartment. I was suddenly alone with ‘Jon Bon Jovi’.
He looked at me as he sat up on a very contemporary sofa-like bed that was covered in white fur.
“If I let you stay here with me would you NOT tell anyone?” he asked with sensual undertones as he cleared his throat.
“Well, I know I’d like to but I’d have to tell my boyfriend,” I said nervously.
There was a sudden silence.

I found myself roaming the apartment until I found a white spiral staircase. I decided to climb the stair. It felt so claustrophobic. It was like the spiral was closing in on me with each step that I climbed. I chose not to reach the top deck. I made my way back down. Soft piano music started to play.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=lN_8qFinDBM
The next dream sequence is a blur.

Twenty-five years ago:

December 29, 1983

Frank Vasconcellos and I made plans for a movie this coming Friday night. I guess that should be 'okay'.

Work flew by once again and it wasn't long before I found myself with Helen Wong in Berkeley, California at a Taiwanese Restaurant. We watched 'North By Northwest' at the University Theater. It has to be one of my all-time favorite Hitchcock films. We met Barbara and Robert at the theater. It was an enjoyable outing. We stayed at the theater until 11:30pm because Helen really wanted to see all of the second Hitchcock feature, "Suspicion".

After dropping Helen off at her BART station (where she had left her car) I stopped over at mom's house to get my package of homemade M&M cookies. I bumped into my brother, Tony. He told me that his pal, Dennis Reno, would be getting three applications for each of us for Management Marketing Rep. positions. That would be great if I was hired for one of those openings. Time will tell.

I will have to take more initiative in 1984 if I want some serious career advancement. I want to explore job hunting, modeling (?), and art classes as well as other creative projects. I think things will get brighter. I will allow things to shine on. I need to smile and show that "shining" feeling...despite any mishaps along the way.

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What Good Is a Dream ?

"What harm is dreaming, if it eases pain?
What good is reality if it blots out hope?--Bette Bao Lord in her epic novel about China called SPRING MOON

Do you ever remember your dreams? I would like to remember all of mine but it seems as soon as I open my eyes the pictures and stories are completely gone. I need to keep telling myself I will remember them. The vivid ones where I actually see my mother or father are 'heavy' because they seem all too real. Then I wake up and I realize I cannot just pick up the phone or run over to see them anymore.

Dreams are good. I photographed the above young man in Central Park randomly in November 2008. I have a feeling he was dreaming his problems (if any) away. There are a few songs that come to mind that I love that relate to dreams. Do you know "IN DREAMS" or "DREAM LOVER" or "DREAM WEAVER"?

1. In Dreams
by Roy Orbison (circa 1963)

I believe I fell for this song after seeing the classic cult film BLUE VELVET.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=5-DjluKLY14
A candy colored clown they call the sandman
Tiptoes to my room every night
Just to sprinkle stardust and to whisper,
"Go to sleep, everything is alright."
I close my eyes then I drift away
Into the magic night
I softly say a silent prayer
Like dreamers do
Then I fall asleep to dream my dreams of you
In dreams I walk with you
In dreams I talk to you
In dreams you're mine, all the time
With you ever in dreams, in dreams
But just before the dawn
I awake and find you gone
I can't help it, I can't help it
If I cry
I remember that you said goodbye
It's too bad that all these things
Can only happen in my dreams
Only in dreams, in beautiful dreams

2. Dream Lover
by Bobby Darin (circa 1959)

There was always something special about his voice when I heard this one on the oldies but goodies station.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=gdLn-QhRSB4
Every night I hope and pray
A dream lover will come my way
A girl to hold in my arms
And know the magic of her charms
'Cause I want a girl
To call my own
I wanna dream lover
So I don't have to dream alone
Dream lover, where are you?
With a love, oh, so true
And the hand that I can hold
To feel you near as I grow old
'Cause I want a girl
To call my own
I wanna dream lover
So I don't have to dream alone
Someday, I don't know how
I hope she'll hear my plea
Someway, I don't know how
She'll bring her love to me
Dream lover until then
I'll go to sleep and dream again
That's the only thing to do
Till all my lovers dreams come true
'Cause I want a girl
To call my own
I wanna dream lover
So I don't have to dream alone
Dream lover until then
I'll go to sleep and dream again
That's the only thing to do
Till all my lovers dreams come true
'Cause I want a girl
To call my own
I wanna dream lover
So I don't have to dream alone
Please, don't make me dream alone
I beg you, don't make me dream alone
No, I don't wanna dream alone

3. Dream Weaver
by Gary Wright (circa 1976)
This was one of those songs I liked as a teenager. It sort of took me away on a kaleidoscope, imaginary escape.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=zk4qeCT-RFk
I've just closed my eyes again
Climbed aboard the dream weaver train
Driver take away my worries of today
And leave tomorrow behind
Ooh dream weaver
I believe you can get me through the night
Ooh dream weaver
I believe we can reach the morning light
Fly me high through the starry skies
Maybe to an astral plane
Cross the highways of fantasy
Help me to forget today's pain
Though the dawn may be coming soon
There still may be some time
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon
And meet me on the other side
There is simply something romantic about these songs. I guess that is why I like them.

Twenty-five years ago today:

December 19, 1983

Work went over just fine except for the fact that my 'secret angel' forgot me. During the holidays every employee in my department secretly picks a name in our group and each employee is responsible for leaving a little gift on the desk of their respective 'secret angel'. I was forgotten.

On the bright side, Salima Nasardeen-Hamilton and I flew paper airplanes from one cubicle to another during non-busy times. We complimented one another on how "HOT" lookin' we were. It was rather amusing. Salima is married to her very own "Michael".

I received a message from Tammy Duhr. I believe she received my Christmas Card. I returned her call when I arrived home and we made tentative Thursday night plans. I also had an answering machine message from Steve Ficarra. He was also thanking me for the Christmas Card. We talked about getting together after the holidays.
Bill Helbush called and thanked me for his "Hershey Kiss" card. We made tentative arrangements for this Thursday night. I guess I might be going out with Tammy or Bill on Thursday night.

I exercised some and called Pac Bell repair service co-worker pal, Nici Maurino. She's always good for some enlightening conversation. She told me abour her weekend and of some big cigar smokin' fellow she met. We made a tentative arrangement for seeing the new CHER movie 'SILKWOOD' on Wednesday night.

I called Juanita Lane (another co-worker at the Business Office) and we discussed work life and her temporary management status assignment. We talked about the possibility of going out sometime. We shared gossip ideas about 'secret angels' and guessed who may have picked who.

I called David Vigil (another co-worker at the Business Office) and we talked about going to Los Angeles for New Years Eve. It could prove fun and interesting. We may go. I think we'd have a good time. He is such a femme fatale though.

I guess George's so-called business is now defunct. I felt sorry for him. He told me to call him again before Christmas but I don't think I will be doing that. After all, there is Juanita, Nici, Tammy, Alexis, Suzy, David, Bill, Mike, Steve and 'God knows who else' (Helen?) all taking up my time in terms of dates, outings and 'what have you'.

It was rather strange when I called Alexis tonight. She said she was just waking up from a dream. She promised to call me right back. She added that if she didn't call back she would call me tomorrow. She never called me.

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