What's It Gonna Be ?

"You can't face the fact that love means giving something of yourself, and the emotion in your mind is completely tied up with sex, which is abhorrent to you.
What you should do is to buy records of all the love music you can get, from Schubert to Wagner, and drench your soul and your aura in it for hours each day, so that perhaps eventually you might soak up some of the tenderness that's expressed in it!"
-Nial Kent
"The Divided Path"

A funny Italian joke was sent my way this week. I have to share the laughter:

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were chatting away one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning bike ride and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread "
She said, "Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

Twenty-five years ago today:

September 12, 1984
Wednesday

Christopher Cordellos telephoned at 8AM to say he was on his way to the Hotel.
I said, “Okay,” with a frown. It’s too bad he did not get to spend the night in this lush Beverly Wilshire Hotel.

Chris accompanied me to the GUCCI store where I purchased that black travel bag. We also went to the International Male store on Santa Monica Boulevard where I purchased a neat belt and an olive green suede tie.

I took over an hour to locate Paula’s house in Venice again. I finally found it with a little help from Chris. We bid our farewells and I decided to let Chris drive my car. I was too ‘driven out of my mind’ to take the wheel.

It was actually an easy drive back North. We were forced to converse. Chris and I came to terms with many things. We mutually decided that we will only be friends from now on. Chris confessed to feeling hurt (as did I). It is all for the best. This is what I want, too. I realize that Chris is too fickle and flirtatious. I don’t want to be a hurt, innocent, bystander lover.
“So later for him,” I thought silently.

I guess we will not be spending all that much time together any longer. Then again, who knows what the future holds? Tomorrow is September 13th and it would have marked eight months since the day I met Chris.

I played the Bryan Adams album ‘Cuts like a Knife’. That Bryan Adams 1983 song ‘What’s It Gonna Be’ played on during the ride. The lyrics seemed so apropos right now:

If it was up to me
I'd say it's his decision
And maybe you should wait and see
You haven't got a choice
You gotta second guess him
So go ahead

What's it gonna be
Well you need an answer
What's it gonna be
All you get is no reply

If it was up to you
You'd say you need protection
When all you really need is me
Now that's the bottom line
It's your sincere intention
So go ahead

What's it gonna be
Well you need an answer
What's it gonna be
All you get is no reply

What's it gonna be
Well you need an answer
What's it gonna be
All you get is no reply

You've been waiting for so long
Now you say you can't go on
You can't go on, oh no

I did sort of let Chris decide as to ‘What’s It Gonna Be’. I have agreed with the break-up wholeheartedly. As far as I am concerned there is ‘no turning back’ though. I can tell that Chris rather hopes and wants it so that there is an open-ended possibility of turning back to the way we were.
“You’re the best-friend I’ve ever had,” Chris implored.
This statement made me feel good for some reason. He is a special friend to me, too. I will never forget what he did for me. Looking back I have to say we had a lot of good times. It's just that it really is over!

We arrived in Concord, CA at 8:30PM and all of (or most of) his family was there. I left not long after the initial greetings.

I drove to my mom’s house to deliver her Lagerfeld brass perfume gift. She loved it. Mom had ironed all of my shirts and stuff while I was away, too! I could not believe it. She is a sweetheart.

I went home to update my journal a bit and slept after browsing through one of my sexy magazines.

I thought, “I still need to write to Jim Koran.”
I ended up calling Jim tonight.
His recorder had a new voice message with him saying, “I am out having fun.”
He is nice, but I really do not know about him.

Chris Cordellos actually said he may call me in the morning to see about going to the nude beach with Clay and Elliot. He has not called to confirm, so I don’t know. I really feel I want to spend time alone now and with family.

I could ride my bike to Lake Temescal tomorrow. After all, I am still on vacation.

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Spaghetti

"Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it."

For 2 years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He told her he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, and Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.'

Twenty-five years ago today:

March 16, 1984

I received an invitation from Helen to drive up to Lake Tahoe for her sister’s (Geneva) wedding. I turned her down because of my definite bike ride date with Debbie Honcik. I had also committed to attending the birthday party for Elisa Berney-Brown’s daughter, Stephanie.

I received AX (Absent without Pay) time which allowed me to leave the office at 1:30pm today. Hoorah! That means four hours cut from my pay. Ouch. Oh well.
I drove over to moms for a while. Then I went to my pad for my bike and rode along until 3:30pm. I decided to stop riding. I started to feel ‘Raindrops Falling on My Head’. (I love that song.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y0mfSbL_hhQ
I lounged around with my brother John until Sherri arrived. John left for work. Sherri left right afterwards. She is very pregnant. My dad paid me a visit, too.

Finally, Chris called me while Dad was visiting. He wanted to verify where or not I succeeded in getting the BILLY IDOL concert tickets.
“Yeah, I sure did,” I replied.
“Well then I’m definitely coming down by six on Friday the twenty-third,” he confirmed, “I’m sure we’ll have fun.”
He mentioned that he was going out to dinner this evening with some friends. I chose not to disclose any details of what I had learned when I saw the Arcata phone calls on his Concord telephone billing data.
Chris did reveal his new address. He is living on Dow’s Prairie Road…or something like that. He had me wondering about the ‘group of people’ he was going out with tonight.
“You sure do know a lot of people out there,” I announced in the hopes of getting more information.
“I’m starting to,” Chris said.
I will put him on the spot the next time he calls. The good part is that he may be calling back tonight. He mentioned he would try to call back.

PHOTO: A photo I found that reminded me of Chris Cordellos in 1984 but it is actually model, Travis Hanson.

My dad stayed a while longer. Then I watched a bit of TV until I drove out to the MOBIL Station to fill the car with gas. I surprised dad and went to visit him after filling the car. Dad wanted to go out for dinner but we decided to just stay at his place and eat there.

When I returned to the townhouse it seemed more quiet than usual. I listened to music. Tomorrow I will go to H&R Block and make my 11am appointment at The Sperm Bank.

If I should die or if a major accident would occur this journal will be read by someone. I admit that I would be embarrassed to have just any one read what I have written. These are my thoughts. I want to regroup and polish my ideas, words, blunder, facts and stories into a more polished format one day. If I never do all will be well.

If an accident occurred while riding my bicycle I would want all of my female friends to know about my sperm donation. I wonder. I just wonder which of my female friends would choose to carry my child if I were gone. That’s an interesting thought. Yeah. I will definitely keep that appointment tomorrow. So what if I’m a donor father. That child will be blessed in some special way.

Elisa cancelled her daughters’ birthday party to Sunday. It’s just as well. I can work on my fictitious letterhead for my ART class: Cordellos Clothiers Associate Designer - Michael J Armijo.

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Blue Velvet

I was in the middle of my gym workout yesterday and I thought of a song that I love called "Blue Velvet", so I wanted to share the tune today. I always recall the imagery of Isabella Rossellini singing it in the 1986 film of the same name (Blue Velvet).
www.youtube.com/watch?v=IATxcQ4qebg

I met Isabella Rosellini on May 7, 2006 at the Tribeca Film Festival. She was promoting the works of her father, the Italian director Roberto Rosellini. She didn't look as glamorous but I loved meeting Isabella as her normal everyday self.
www.fotolog.com/michaelarm/24430240
I mean she is the daughter of Swedish actress Ingrid Bergman...after all! I saw Isabella another time in New York City about a year ago. She was alone on 42nd Street and no one recognized her. I adored that she could go out and just be a 'regular person' on the streets of New York. She went inside a theater to buy a solo ticket to see the Broadway production of "Mary Poppins".

The photo illustration above was taken at night during a walk in New York City. The lighting was perfect and I accented the BLUE. I spotted it within a display window on the night of October 29, 2008 and it makes me think of the Blue Velvet song.

BLUE VELVET (lyrics)

She wore blue velvet
Bluer than velvet was the night
Softer than satin was the light
From the stars
She wore blue velvet
Bluer than velvet were her eyes
Warmer than May her tender sighs
Love was ours
Ours a love I held tightly
Feeling the rapture grow
Like a flame burning brightly
But when she left, gone was the glow of
Blue velvet
But in my heart there'll always be
Precious and warm, a memory
Through the years
And I still can see blue velvet
Through my tears

Twenty-five years ago today

January 10, 1984

Gilbert called me at my office. He asked me to come over to 'Image Photo Lab' in San Francisco to observe the photo shooting of Natasha by Kevin Ward, the photographer. I decided to go for the heck of it.

When I arrived at the 'Image Photo Lab' I saw Olga, Kevin, Natasha, Gilbert and a strange gay looking make-up artist. It was an interesting observation to see them getting prepared. It took such a long time before they finally started taking the pictures.
"It's good for you to see what it's like during a photoshoot," Gilbert said.
I was bemused. My thoughts drifted into questions of where I stand among all of this modeling mess. Where and when it will start and/or end? Will there be pictures taken of me? What is Gilbert's game plan?

After the photoshoot I dropped the make-up artist at Bush & Steiner. Then I dropped off Natasha at Gilbert's apartment. Was I simply the chauffer for the day? I found a parking space and Gilbert and I went to some coffee shop on Polk Street (next door to Fish & Chips). We talked as he showed me some muscle men pictures that he had in a notebook. He also read aloud some personal letters that he had received. The letters were mainly about him and his goodness as a person. The letters seemed to be intimate words from other men that he had--or almost had--intimate relations with. Who knows (in this modeling business) who sleeps with who and for what (is what I was thinking). After this strange ending of his shared letters we ended our conversation. He was still acting very in awe of me. We walked to my parked car and I drove off after we said goodbye. It was good to be back home.

I changed my clothes, freshened up and drove out to San Leandro to the skating rink. I arrived at 10:30pm and I saw George Jones. We talked for a while...but it was brief. Then I saw Jim and we talked for a while...but it was brief. Then I saw Bill Helbush and he expected a bit more from me (like a kiss...I think). I backed away with a flat out "No". My reaction burned him the wrong way. I seemed to hurt him but I think he wanted to make it appear to others in and around the rink that we were "together". He simply walked away. I also spoke to Bryan and Frank. I realized what a dump the place was and I decided to scram. By 11:45pm I was back home, safely in bed. I was thinking and wondering what is in store for 1984. There are no intimate or loving moments yet. I don't intend on diving into a relationship unless I feel it is truly significant.

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Martini Techno-Theater Night

It is funny how a few degrees of separation can lead to new friends and laughter. If you had read my previous blog from a few days ago (Have You Had Your DNA Tested?) you would have read how my ancestral "DNA cousin" John Earl Spencer entered my life this year.

John resides in San Francisco, CA and he cyber-introduced (Is that a new word for wikipedia?) me to Jay Kuo who has become a mutual friend. Jay Kuo and I have been exchanging electronic mail messages over the last couple of months. Jay was a former commercial litigation attorney who chose to follow his passion into musical theater arts. He is a talented and accomplished composer, lyricist and producer with three finished musicals: Insignificant Others, Homeland, and Upwardly Mobile. He is currently working on two new projects that he plans to workshop and release in New York City or wherever the theater path will lead him. It is exciting to know that Jay plans to move to New York City in March 2009.

Jay has been in New York City over the last week and made a point to come by to meet myself and Alan. We arranged a cocktail meeting at our apartment in Tribeca last night. Jay brought along two of his good friends and business associates who were ever-so-friendly. We met Gregory Rae, a former software engineer with Google.com, and Lorenzo Thione, an entrepreneur, of which both have a passion for martini's and theater.

Gregory Rae grew up in Napa, California, so we touched up on our love of the Napa Valley. Gregory has been living in the Chelsea area of New York City for five years now and was a joy to get to know. Lorenzo Thione grew up in Milan, Italy. He speaks fluent Italian and one wouldn't know it. He must have been an A student in his English classes. Lorenzo was educated in Computer Engineering at the University of Texas in Austin. He was Founder and Product Architect of Powerset, Inc. a Natural Language Search company that was committed to delivering the next breakthrough revolution in web search. His company was recently sold to Microsoft for a decent amount of bucks.

Alan mixed his delicious apple martini's using the Russian vodka we received last July 2008 in St. Petersburg, Russia. The original Berentzen Apfel Korn schnapps liqueur from Germany was the magic elixir. These boys know how to drink us under the table. We couldn't join them for musical fun at SPLASH because we had an early morning meeting but we delighted in our martini techno-theater conversation.

We chatted up a storm about theater shows from West Side Story, Memphis, Billy Elliot, Gypsy and more to techno-talk on Google, Microsoft, Yahoo. We are delighted to join them again for the closing night gala of INSIGNIFICANT OTHERS on December 27, 2008 in San Francisco, CA.

It really is a joy to be random and spontaneous every now and then. Now I am hoping Lorenzo was not kidding with regard to his cooking skills. I want that home cooked 'cotoletta alla milanese' (heck...even his Italian-style pasta will do). Yummy!

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