What's It Gonna Be ?

"You can't face the fact that love means giving something of yourself, and the emotion in your mind is completely tied up with sex, which is abhorrent to you.
What you should do is to buy records of all the love music you can get, from Schubert to Wagner, and drench your soul and your aura in it for hours each day, so that perhaps eventually you might soak up some of the tenderness that's expressed in it!"
-Nial Kent
"The Divided Path"

A funny Italian joke was sent my way this week. I have to share the laughter:

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were chatting away one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning bike ride and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread "
She said, "Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

Twenty-five years ago today:

September 12, 1984
Wednesday

Christopher Cordellos telephoned at 8AM to say he was on his way to the Hotel.
I said, “Okay,” with a frown. It’s too bad he did not get to spend the night in this lush Beverly Wilshire Hotel.

Chris accompanied me to the GUCCI store where I purchased that black travel bag. We also went to the International Male store on Santa Monica Boulevard where I purchased a neat belt and an olive green suede tie.

I took over an hour to locate Paula’s house in Venice again. I finally found it with a little help from Chris. We bid our farewells and I decided to let Chris drive my car. I was too ‘driven out of my mind’ to take the wheel.

It was actually an easy drive back North. We were forced to converse. Chris and I came to terms with many things. We mutually decided that we will only be friends from now on. Chris confessed to feeling hurt (as did I). It is all for the best. This is what I want, too. I realize that Chris is too fickle and flirtatious. I don’t want to be a hurt, innocent, bystander lover.
“So later for him,” I thought silently.

I guess we will not be spending all that much time together any longer. Then again, who knows what the future holds? Tomorrow is September 13th and it would have marked eight months since the day I met Chris.

I played the Bryan Adams album ‘Cuts like a Knife’. That Bryan Adams 1983 song ‘What’s It Gonna Be’ played on during the ride. The lyrics seemed so apropos right now:

If it was up to me
I'd say it's his decision
And maybe you should wait and see
You haven't got a choice
You gotta second guess him
So go ahead

What's it gonna be
Well you need an answer
What's it gonna be
All you get is no reply

If it was up to you
You'd say you need protection
When all you really need is me
Now that's the bottom line
It's your sincere intention
So go ahead

What's it gonna be
Well you need an answer
What's it gonna be
All you get is no reply

What's it gonna be
Well you need an answer
What's it gonna be
All you get is no reply

You've been waiting for so long
Now you say you can't go on
You can't go on, oh no

I did sort of let Chris decide as to ‘What’s It Gonna Be’. I have agreed with the break-up wholeheartedly. As far as I am concerned there is ‘no turning back’ though. I can tell that Chris rather hopes and wants it so that there is an open-ended possibility of turning back to the way we were.
“You’re the best-friend I’ve ever had,” Chris implored.
This statement made me feel good for some reason. He is a special friend to me, too. I will never forget what he did for me. Looking back I have to say we had a lot of good times. It's just that it really is over!

We arrived in Concord, CA at 8:30PM and all of (or most of) his family was there. I left not long after the initial greetings.

I drove to my mom’s house to deliver her Lagerfeld brass perfume gift. She loved it. Mom had ironed all of my shirts and stuff while I was away, too! I could not believe it. She is a sweetheart.

I went home to update my journal a bit and slept after browsing through one of my sexy magazines.

I thought, “I still need to write to Jim Koran.”
I ended up calling Jim tonight.
His recorder had a new voice message with him saying, “I am out having fun.”
He is nice, but I really do not know about him.

Chris Cordellos actually said he may call me in the morning to see about going to the nude beach with Clay and Elliot. He has not called to confirm, so I don’t know. I really feel I want to spend time alone now and with family.

I could ride my bike to Lake Temescal tomorrow. After all, I am still on vacation.