Uncertainty

“Somehow I don’t believe his love is as convincing as mine.”
-as heard watching the On-Broadway
Dramatic play “Mary Stuart’

"Letters To A Young Poet"
by Rainer Maria Rilke

'But this is what...people are so often and so disastrously wrong in doing:
they (who by their very nature are impatient) fling themselves at each other when love takes hold of them, they scatter themselves, just as they are, in all their messiness, disorder, bewilderment...

'And what can happen then? What can life do with this heap of half broken things that they would like to call their happiness, and their future?

'And so each of them loses himself for the sake of the other person, and loses the other. And loses the vast possibilities...in exchange for an unfruitful confusion, out of which nothing more can come, nothing but a bit of disgust, disappointment and poverty.'

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 7, 1984

I drove home and arrived in Alameda at 9:30AM. Michelle called me.
“Echo Beach is closed and I just wanted to let you know that Cedric and I are still going out tonight,” Michelle said.
“My friends, Danny and Mary, may go to Echo Beach or as it’s now called, Dancers, and I may meet them there,” I said.
“Sounds cool,” she said even if I did detect a mediocre not-so-thrilled tone in her voice.
I wonder if she likes me. Steve Gaster had previously told me that he thinks she does.

I went bicycling and called Danny at around 1:30PM. I left a message on their recorder. I left for more bike riding and left another message at 4PM. They did not call me back. I went biking again from 5-6PM after a wonderful visit from ma and pa. I doubted that they would call.

I plunged into a quick shower and a nap when Cedric called at 8:45PM.
“We’re going to ‘Cinco Patients’ in The City, so if you want to go?” Cedric asked.
“Hey, that’s a high class joint. Sure, I’ll go since Danny didn’t call it sounds good to me. We’ll have a fun time,” I answered.

I started to get ready when Danny called at 9PM.
“I made other plans,” I said.
“So,” Danny sighed in a still wondering sort of way. I could tell that he cared that I had made other plans.
“I still want to go out with you,” I explained.
“I called you at around six-thirty,” Danny said.
“I guess I missed your call while I was cycling. It’s okay,” I pointed out clearly. We then hung up with polite goodbyes.

I waited impatiently for Michelle and Cedric to arrive. They did. It was 11PM now. We left and I got a speeding ticket driving down Fernside Boulevard in Alameda. It was a minor fiasco because I told the officer I wanted to speak to Sergeant Al Jayne before I signed the ticket. I almost got arrested. I got frisked, cuffed and set in the police car). Finally, I signed the speeding ticket but went to the police station to see Al Jayne. He gave me the scoop.
“You can avoid the citation by going to night court and talking to Charlie Brown. You let him know that I’m your buddy,” Al said.
His reassuring conversation made me feel better. I’m lucky to have known his daughter, Bonnie, since sixth-grade.

We continued our adventure into San Francisco. We ‘sort of’ got lost. Cedric kept opening my car door to only scratch the curb, making a horrible sound. I hated that more than words could describe! I hate all people that do that. I tried to NOT let it get to me. By 1AM we arrived at Syncopation on Howard Street. We danced until 2:15AM. I asked a tall blond girl to dance.
“I just finished dancing,” she said as her explanation for saying ‘no’.
I decided to ‘later’ her and not ask her again. It’s very much her loss.

I drove Michelle home. We really had a fun evening despite the speeding citation. I was happy to be in my very own bed by 3AM. Yawn.

Read More

Out Of It

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves,
but wiser people so full of doubts."
-Bertrand Russell
& the quote was provided to me
by
Gloria Weiner-Freiman Cohen

As a child I watched a film called GIGOT, starring Jackie Gleason. It is not available on DVD and I really loved it. Gene Kelly directed it in 1962.

It's a sentimental comedy about a mute who befriends the young daughter of a prostitute. Gleason shows his magnificent acting talent without uttering a sound as he plays the bumbling, kind-hearted janitor, Gigot. Gleason wrote the original story and music for this film.

If anyone ever finds a copy available on DVD, please let me know.

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 6, 1984
Friday

I got a plant, a big SUGAR DADDY candy bar, a few farewell/good luck cards and a wallet from the disgruntled fellow employees that were very sad by my leaving the department. There was a pot-luck smorgasbord luncheon that was put together nicely. I had a really good time on my last day. The significance of the SUGAR DADDY candy bar is beyond me. Maybe I was a SUGAR DADDY to a lot of the ladies in the office.

After work Michelle DeBortoli, Cedric Green and I went for Happy Hour drinks at the T.J. Toppers that is located inside the Hyatt-Downtown Oakland. It was even more fun as I drank a white Russian, a long island iced-tea and two separators. Believe me, I was separated myself (after those drinks). A separator is a brandy, Kahlua, milk ‘on the rocks’ shaken well, so one can just imagine.

We had a good time. I drove Michelle home. Cedric took BART home. I made tentative plans to go out dancing with Cedric tomorrow night. One would agree to a lot after a “separator”.

After dropping Michelle off I went to a gas station telephone booth to give Danny Garcia a call. He thought I sounded OOI (Out Of It). He was not all that into my non-sober explanation after Happy Hour. It was clear he didn’t think I should come out to Walnut Creek. He and Mary were going to Lyon’s.
“I’ll meet you there,” I said firmly.
I ended up arriving there before they did. I ordered a white Russian and an ice-water.

It was cool. We talked and gabbed the night until we decided to go to “The Hub”. While I was there I saw Sherri’s friend, Tony, at the club (and Jim Hartman, too).
“Don’t tell Sherri you saw me because I’m not sure how she’d handle it,” Tony said.
“Don’t worry about it,” I said.

Mary, Danny and I were all dancing together (the threesome). It was a fun night for me to celebrate. By 2PM we were at Lyon’s again for ‘eats’. Our tummies were growling.

I ended up spending the night at Danny’s apartment in Alamo. Danny slept with Mary and I slept in Danny’s messy room. I did not understand that. I woke up at 8:30AM and Danny ‘sort of’ woke up around the same time. He bid me goodbye.
“Call me around three o’clock,” Danny said.
“Okay, I will,” I replied.

Read More

Don't Misunderstand Me

I want to explain, because it is suddenly extremely urgent and important that, in the end, we are not misunderstood.
-Morag Joss
in the book "Half Broken Things"

There was another song I heard repeatedly while driving along in France and Spain in May 2009 that caught my ear. It is called 'World, Hold On' and I share the tune with you today. It has a special beat while it reminds us all to brace ourselves and 'open up your heart' to what you really feel.
http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=world+hold+on+lyrics&docid=872954659610&mid=1E0B4C6A76FE1B4CCFE71E0B4C6A76FE1B4CCFE7&FORM=VIVR5

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 5, 1984
Thursday

I have only one more workday in Downtown Oakland!

I telephoned Frank Vasconcellos on my lunch break because I had no plans at lunchtime. Frank had said he would come over to visit tonight. I had forgotten about that.

I rushed home after work and had a quick light bite at mom’s place.

At about 6:15PM Frank called from the Fruitvale BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) station where I picked him up (of course). I introduced Frank to my pad here at: 3348 Solomon Lane. He seemed rather impressed with the townhouse but did not talk about it much. I think he wanted to 'move in'. We decided to go to the Red Robin in San Leandro for a drink. I had an avocado burger and a melon ball. Frank enjoyed a banana milkshake.

We went for a ride into the Hayward Hills and we caught up on each others’ latest “goings on”. It was fun because we laughed a lot about nonsense. I drove Frank home where I had a glass of water and was cordially introduced to his mother and sister.

Frank told me he was having some trouble with some new guy named Carlos. Earlier in the evening I had fun reading him old entry excerpts from my journal/diary. He liked hearing the parts about him from our old times. The June 1983 parts from when we had first met were fascinating to him.

I came home and crashed on my bed for a while. I called Mary (Danny’s roommate) and was speaking to her when my call waiting interrupted. It was Danny Garcia calling me from San Jose, California.
“You won’t believe it. I placed eighth and did not make the finals,” Danny said in a sad, monotone voice.
I could tell Danny was feeling down. I tried to encourage him as he seemed to quickly ‘get over it’.
“Listen why don’t you come over tomorrow?” Danny asked.
“Okay,” I said happily, “That’s a great idea”.

Read More

The Floating Island

"Isn't it such an odd coincidence that we both don't like crabs, clams or oysters?" I asked Alan during a walk down Lafayette Street in New York City.
"No, it's a prerequisite to being in love," Alan answered.
Laughter followed on this early day in June 2009.

Where Is Puymirol ?

There is a small community in the Southwestern area France known as Puymirol. On May 30, 2009, Alan and I were on an automobile journey from the San Sebastian region of Spain to Puymirol, France. We passed signs for the Bergerac town and the Hotel Cyrano that inspired me to look into the autobiography of the French writer and dramatist, Cyrano de Bergerac.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyrano_de_Bergerac

Alan purchased a ‘Flamenco Deep’ CD, so we were feeling the deep sounds of flamenco during the drive into this French town. We stopped to rest at a town called Mont-de-Marsan for a jamon y fromage sandwich and a most delicious “suissesse” (a flat square –shaped pastry with sugar and crème fraiche).
I loved the tune ‘Como un lobo’ by Miguel Bose con Bimba Bose that I heard during our journey. (I love the music video I just found even better. That Bimba Bose is so ‘fashion forward’ with one amazing body to match!)
http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=como+un+lobo&docid=994850046141&mid=F84D8D498BA8E813A2E1F84D8D498BA8E813A2E1&FORM=VIVR5

We arrived at the Michel Trama Relaix & Chateau at approximately 5PM. The multiple course dinner by Michel Trama was unforgettable. A dear friend arranged for a bottle of champagne to be presented to us (for my Birthday) before we started with dinner.
Yes, I took photos of each course.
The menu included:
La Fraicheur de legumes
Le taboule de quinoa au crabe (a l'huile d'argan)
Les Bouliers de poisson marine (cromesquis de tomates)
La raviole de crevettes aux saveurs d'Orient
Comme un risotto, du choufleur
Le foie gras poele aux agrumes
La pigeonneau roti aux epices
L'assiette de tous les sens

The presentation of ‘The Floating Island’ dessert was magnificently delicious. The chef, Michel Trama, said, “The floating island dessert is served when ‘you’ve made it.”
I thought the island part was made of marshmallow but he said, “No, whipped egg white.”
“Fantastique!”
If you ever experience a 'Michel Trama' dinner you will have the ultimate gourmet meal.


Twenty-five years ago today:

July 4, 1984
Wednesday

I woke up at 9AM or so to moms telephone call.

I showered and found Cedric Green’s telephone number.
“Hi Cedric, I’d like to go to the fair if you’re still going,” I said excitedly.

I took my Salvation Army clothes over to my mom’s house because she had arranged for a pick-up. I borrowed twenty bucks from mom and before long it was noon and Cedric Green and Frankie Clark were at my place. Frankie Clark is a sweet black gal who works at the Berkeley RTOC (Residence Telephone Order Center). I had never met her until today.

We left for Pleasanton and found a parking space easily. Our feet were beginning to get tired as the day wore on. It was hot and we were thirsty. Cedric Green is too “cool” though. He makes me laugh. I consider him a good chum and I shall miss friends like him now that I am leaving the Downtown Oakland office. I am so eager for the change of working in San Francisco.

I was home by 7:30PM. It was still daylight on this 4th of July summer day. Mom was babysitting Ashley, so I went over there to see them.
“Mike Miller called,” Mom said.
I did not return his call right away. Instead, I chose to hang out with mom and ate a homemade salami sandwich and a Moutain Dew soft drink.

I lounged and watched “The Young & the Restless” and “The Edge of Night”.

By 9:20PM the fireworks could be heard outside. It was ongoing. I headed home for a bath and now I am all relaxed in my black half-shirt pajama wear.

I kept wondering if Chris might have called me today. I began to wonder if Danny had called. I wanted to know if Danny had returned from the Los Angeles area after his venture to Bakersfield (or thereabouts) for the skating events.

I know Mike Miller telephoned. I will have to call him tomorrow and invite him over.

It’s 10:10PM now and I would say it is definitely time for some shut-eye.

Read More

Eric & Tilda

I'm sorry to say you won't find things here quite the way they are in the movies.
There's much less glamor and a lot more drudgery.
-"The Divided Path"
by Nial Kent

What do the actors Eric Bana and Tilda Swinton have in common? Well, both of them participated in the Tribeca Film Festival 2009 in New York City. They both agreed to be part of a filmmaker event series at the local Soho Apple Computer store in April 2009. I was able to attend both events and learned a bit more about each of them (before and after the events). I am a big fan of both Eric and Tilda. They are excellent actors.

Eric Bana is the actor known for his roles in Black Hawk Down, The Hulk, Troy, The Other Boleyn Girl, Munich and Star Trek. He made his directorial debut at the Tribeca Film Festival with ‘Love the Beast’, a documentary that tells the story of Eric Bana’s love affair with ‘The Beast’, his FORD GT Falcon Coupe automobile. I saw Eric on Monday, April 27, 2009 and took these portraits of him.

Eric was born on August 9, 1968 as ‘Eric Banadinovic’ in Melbourne, Australia. As a teen, he watched the Mel Gibson film ‘Mad Max’ (1979), and decided he wanted to become an actor. However, he did not seriously consider acting until 1991 when he was persuaded to try stand-up comedy while working as a barman at Melbourne's Castle Hotel. His Croatian father, Ivan, was a manager for Caterpillar, Inc., and his German-born mother, Eleanor, was a hairdresser. In 1995, Bana began dating Rebecca Gleeson, a publicist. They married in 1997, after Bana proposed to her on a trip to the United States that he won from Cleo Magazine after being named "Bachelor of the Year" in 1996. Bana and Gleeson have two children, a son Klaus (born July 1998), and a daughter Sophia (born April 2001). I detected the soon-to-be 41 year old as one still in touch with his 'child within'. I liked that because he would get so animated when talking about his fascination for this car he has had since he was a teen.

PHOTO: Rebecca Gleeson, Eric's wife
Eric will appear in ‘The Time Traveler’s Wife’ based on the book later this year. I read that book so I cannot miss it. I did not bother to see his Tribeca film, ‘Love the Beast’. The preview just did not appeal to me. It is clear that he certainly loves his car (it must stem way back to that Mad Max movie, a favorite film of mine as well).

Tilda Swinton is the Academy-Award winning actress (Michael Clayton) known for other roles like Caravaggio, Orlando, Possible Words, The Deep End, Adaptation, Young Adam, The Chronicles of Narnia and the Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Tilda made an appearance on April 29, 2009 at the Soho Apple Store to discuss her new film ‘Julia’, an independent thriller where she plays a middle-aged alcoholic lurching from one crisis to another until she really ‘blows it’ by kidnapping a millionaire’s grandson.

Tilda was born on November 5, 1960 as “Katherine Mathilda Swinton” in London, England. Her mother, Judith Balfour, was Australian, and her father, Major-General Sir John Swinton, is Scottish. The Swinton family is an ancient Anglo-Scots family that can trace its lineage to the 9th Century. Tilda attended West Heath Girls’ School (the same class as Diana, Princess of Wales). In 1983 she graduated from New Hall (Murray Edwards College) at Cambridge University with a degree in Social and Political Sciences.

Tilda lives in Nairn, in the Highland area of Scotland, with Scottish painter John Byrne. With Byrne she has her twin son and daughter, Xavier and Honor. She travels with her partner/lover Sandro Kopp, a German/New Zealand painter who was born on February 14, 1978 in Heidelberg, Germany. You can ‘do the math’. He is a lot younger than her; whereby, she can also be known as a “cougar”. She has been with Kopp since 2004 and the relationship has Byrne's blessing. John Byrne, a playwright and painter was born on January 6, 1940. In a 2008 interview, Swinton commented on her domestic situation: "It’s the way we have been for nearly four years. I’m very fortunate. It takes some extraordinary men to make a situation like that work.”
PHOTO: Sandro (Alessandro) Kopp, painting
Tilda's current love interest

I had recently screened the 1986 film Caravaggio that Derek Jarman spent seven years making. Tilda has a small part in the film and it's a bit of a snore (unless you read M, The Man Who Became Caravaggio (like I did). When someone asked a question about her living with Derek for many years she made it clear that she was very emotionally involved with him. Derek Jarman (January 31, 1942 – February 19, 1994) was an English film director, artist and writer who died at the age of 52 of an AIDS –related illness. CLICK on this link to learn more about Derek.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Derek_Jarman
Last summer Tilda Swinton and film critic Mark Cousins held a film festival in the town of Nairn, on Moray Firth, Scotland. The venue was a former ballroom with beanbags for seats; entry was free if you brought cakes. From August 1-9, 2009, the pair is planning a festival just as unique as the prior years. We will not be seeing the last of Tilda Swinton as she is one of the most fantastic British actresses to reckon with.

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 3, 1984
Tuesday

Well, Cedric Green, a polite black gentleman I know from the RTOC (Residence Telephone Order Center) invited me to the County Fair in Pleasanton for tomorrow. I am hesitant to accept because he said ‘a group of people’ would probably be attending. I did not feel comfortable being with a new crowd that I didn’t really know (other than Cedric). And do I really know Cedric very well? It seems “iffy”.

PHOTO: Cedric Green has an almost
identical resemblance to British Actor,
Chiwetel Ejiofor


After work I went for a bicycle ride and followed that with a bite to eat at mom and dad’s house. I then returned to my pad, feeling restless and unable to get into any further exercise.

I wanted to really talk to Chris Cordellos again. I knew he did not have a phone yet. That girl (Katie) never called me either. Danny was away on his roller-skating escape or vacation or whatever one would call it.

I broke down and decided to go to the skating rink in San Leandro. I thought that maybe Frank Vasconcellos will be there. He could give me my twenty bucks that I loaned him for this traffic school fee. I entered the skating rink on this designated ‘gay night’ and I ran into Leah Cossy (the lesbian from Danville).
“Hello,” Leah said with a smile.
“Hello,” said Brian.
Do I really know that many people here? I don’t even really know Leah or Brian very well. I saw Jim skating around but I didn’t talk to him. I stayed there until about 9:30 to 10:15PM. I don’t even skate! Here I was watching the folks going round and round. I couldn’t hack hangin’ out at the somewhat sleazy joint any longer.

I was in bed by 10:40PM (or thereabouts). I telephoned mom to say ‘good night’. I slept soundly.

Read More

Work & Family Life

“Masturbation is the thinking man’s television.”
-as heard during the
On-Broadway show
starring Matthew Broderick,
“The Philanthropist”

Yesterday, I was reading a book and I read the line 'family life could be overrated'. Coincidentally, over the weekend a retired Miami Beach, Florida City employee, named Hank, said, "Work is overrated".

In my opinion, it is 'family life' and 'work' that allow for growth, production, new minds, new ventures and the progressive changes this world needs to continue for the better.

Never discount 'family life' or 'work life' as it benefits the globe. It is all connected in more ways that you can begin to know.

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 2, 1984
Monday

It was so busy at work today! I had breakfast with Ben Nunley. I telephoned Salima at home because she did not make it to work. There was no answer.

I popped over at Emporium-Capwell’s department store with Tony and Helen and bought two pairs of ZODIAC brand boots.
After work, my brothers (Tony and John) and I went to Sherri’s Dad’s house to get Sherri’s piano. It was a bit of a work out, lifting a piano. And I had just helped John move his mattress and desk from my place on Solomon Lane. I was exhausted.

I hate to say it but I enjoyed another meal at moms’: homemade hamburgers. I lounged there for a while watching Dad get high from a bottle of red wine.
“I want you to know that you don’t owe me a red cent and that everything that is mine is yours,” Dad said in-between sips of his red wine. He went on and on. I guess the wine was giving him a very positive outlook on life. It was kind of funny but his words made me feel good.

I started to wonder if I was missing any phone calls from ‘God knows who’. I decided to walk on home. I showered (in a 'thinking man's kind of way') and was realizing that I did not have one phone call since I had returned. It is now 9:30PM and I think it’s time to go to bed early. So, that is what I will do. Yawn.

Read More

Only Me

"I've enjoyed every book I've read for one reason or another."
-as heard during the
On-Broadway show
starring Matthew Broderick,
"The Philanthropist"

I love old and rare books. I am a novice collector. While walking in London, England there was a table of old and rare books I noticed in the Knightsbridge area. I found a hardcover book titled "Only Me", An Autobiograhy. Alan bought it as a gift for me. Alan wrote a private inscription note inside that I love. It is not clear who the author is as it simply states 'By the Author of "UP TO FIFTEEN". I read the first page and it felt like something I might have written in another lifetime:

"ONLY ME"
Chapter I
My Childhood's Home

I should very much like to write my history, though it cannot be a long one, for only a few chapters have been lived out yet; there is, as it were, only one volume yet filled up; but even in that one volume there has been much experience. I have gone through many and strange scenes, and over all there has been a tender Father's loving hand, dealing out to me great mercies.

So I will begin and tell my story to other boys from a boy's point of view...

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 1, 1984
Sunday
While I was in the shower the telephone rang. Boy, did I jump! Could it be Katie?
No, it was mom.
“John and Sherri are going to the County Fair in Pleasanton and I am going to babysit Ashley all day,” mom said.
I explained about my waiting on Katie’s telephone call. I also gave her some nonsense gossip about Steve and Helen at work.

Now it is 11:30AM and there is still no call from Katie. I guess I will give her until 4 or 5PM. What a “let down”, getting all hyped up over the last few days and she may not even call!

I made myself breakfast and lounged in the backyard, taking advantage of the sunlit rays. The sun was a scorcher today, too. I wanted to get on my bike and ride but I chose to exercise indoors. I persuaded mom to come over to my place with Ashley. I can play with Ashley when they arrive.
If I’m lucky Katie Jones will call me. Now I am beginning to wonder if “Jones” was a fake surname.

Oh well, my brother, Tony, came by to visit and left around the same time I did (1:30PM). Howard Edelstein had returned my call after I decided to call him the other night. I was curious to see what he was up to these days.
“Yeah, I’m open for a short bike ride today if you’re up for it,” Howard suggested.
And so, I decided not to ‘hang out’ another minute waiting on Katie Jones’ phone call that may never come. I left for North Oakland.

I laid out on Howard’s lawn near College Avenue and Claremont, reading PEANUTS and other newspaper comic strips for a while. Then we went bicycling around the UC Berkeley Campus and the adjacent areas of Telegraph Avenue.

I thought of visiting my coworker pal, Barbara Reynolds, but did not. Howard took a wrong turn and I just ditched him and headed home. Silly fun…but perhaps a bit of revenge on my part after what he did to me in Guadalajara, Mexico.

By 6PM I was home taking a call from Christopher Cordellos.
“Yeah, I am moving out today and Barbara V. is giving me a bad time,” Chris shared with a slight whisper.
I explained about my meeting Katie Jones and he did not hide his bummed out feelings.
“Don’t worry, she probably won’t even call back. Things will still be okay,” I said reassuringly.
By the time we hung up the phone all things seemed pretty much together between us. The only issue is that he may not be coming back down to the Bay Area until August 15th. This is when his ‘financial bind’ will clear. Speaking of financial binds, I am not in one but money matters could be brighter than they actually are. Then again, I have $8,600 coming in 1986 and I am maintaining my $2000 per year IRA Contributions (since 1982). I am a 25 year old so I’d say I’m doing better than most.

I went over to Mom & Dad’s house and hung out until about 11PM. Tony was kind enough to drive me home.

Read More