Uncertainty

“Somehow I don’t believe his love is as convincing as mine.”
-as heard watching the On-Broadway
Dramatic play “Mary Stuart’

"Letters To A Young Poet"
by Rainer Maria Rilke

'But this is what...people are so often and so disastrously wrong in doing:
they (who by their very nature are impatient) fling themselves at each other when love takes hold of them, they scatter themselves, just as they are, in all their messiness, disorder, bewilderment...

'And what can happen then? What can life do with this heap of half broken things that they would like to call their happiness, and their future?

'And so each of them loses himself for the sake of the other person, and loses the other. And loses the vast possibilities...in exchange for an unfruitful confusion, out of which nothing more can come, nothing but a bit of disgust, disappointment and poverty.'

Twenty-five years ago today:

July 7, 1984

I drove home and arrived in Alameda at 9:30AM. Michelle called me.
“Echo Beach is closed and I just wanted to let you know that Cedric and I are still going out tonight,” Michelle said.
“My friends, Danny and Mary, may go to Echo Beach or as it’s now called, Dancers, and I may meet them there,” I said.
“Sounds cool,” she said even if I did detect a mediocre not-so-thrilled tone in her voice.
I wonder if she likes me. Steve Gaster had previously told me that he thinks she does.

I went bicycling and called Danny at around 1:30PM. I left a message on their recorder. I left for more bike riding and left another message at 4PM. They did not call me back. I went biking again from 5-6PM after a wonderful visit from ma and pa. I doubted that they would call.

I plunged into a quick shower and a nap when Cedric called at 8:45PM.
“We’re going to ‘Cinco Patients’ in The City, so if you want to go?” Cedric asked.
“Hey, that’s a high class joint. Sure, I’ll go since Danny didn’t call it sounds good to me. We’ll have a fun time,” I answered.

I started to get ready when Danny called at 9PM.
“I made other plans,” I said.
“So,” Danny sighed in a still wondering sort of way. I could tell that he cared that I had made other plans.
“I still want to go out with you,” I explained.
“I called you at around six-thirty,” Danny said.
“I guess I missed your call while I was cycling. It’s okay,” I pointed out clearly. We then hung up with polite goodbyes.

I waited impatiently for Michelle and Cedric to arrive. They did. It was 11PM now. We left and I got a speeding ticket driving down Fernside Boulevard in Alameda. It was a minor fiasco because I told the officer I wanted to speak to Sergeant Al Jayne before I signed the ticket. I almost got arrested. I got frisked, cuffed and set in the police car). Finally, I signed the speeding ticket but went to the police station to see Al Jayne. He gave me the scoop.
“You can avoid the citation by going to night court and talking to Charlie Brown. You let him know that I’m your buddy,” Al said.
His reassuring conversation made me feel better. I’m lucky to have known his daughter, Bonnie, since sixth-grade.

We continued our adventure into San Francisco. We ‘sort of’ got lost. Cedric kept opening my car door to only scratch the curb, making a horrible sound. I hated that more than words could describe! I hate all people that do that. I tried to NOT let it get to me. By 1AM we arrived at Syncopation on Howard Street. We danced until 2:15AM. I asked a tall blond girl to dance.
“I just finished dancing,” she said as her explanation for saying ‘no’.
I decided to ‘later’ her and not ask her again. It’s very much her loss.

I drove Michelle home. We really had a fun evening despite the speeding citation. I was happy to be in my very own bed by 3AM. Yawn.