Down & Out

"It's an honor to have a mission like this; but we have a problem. Someone talked about it."
-Traitor (2008 Film)

Twenty-five years ago today:

April 22, 1985
Monday

The sunlight crept into my bedroom before the alarm clock rang. I just turned over but I managed to get up somehow.

Dale kept prying for more information about what had happened last Saturday with my outing with Steffanie. I had already told him the truth. It was fun and nothing intimate happened ‘at all’.

I called Paloma just before noon from Hank’s desk because he wasn’t in the office today. As it turned out, Paloma became depressed. I explained that I had sent her some copies of the forms but that I had changed my mind about marrying under these circumstances because of the doubt that would hover in our minds over the marriage. In addition, I told her that the ‘Thank You’ remark she made last Thursday was not a very gracious phrase to my virgin ears. And then, too boot---she came out with one hell of a statement today!
Paloma said, “I may have to marry another friend, a ‘gay’ friend.”
I was appalled to say the least. We ended our conversation not long after that statement because Dale was insisting I get off of the phone because Hal, a coworker, was eavesdropping.
“Paloma, I will call you back on Wednesday.”

Dale and I had lunch over by Union Square. We were late, arriving back at the office at 1:20PM but no one said anything about it. Dale consoled me about Paloma’s last words. I was ‘down and out’ over the phone call. I was ‘down and out’ because I know I had made her very depressed. I just know I wouldn’t feel right making a move like that…just so she could become a permanent resident. While I know it is a serious commitment I would only do it if we were both in love and that was our primary reason for wanting to get married.

I didn’t want to pry for information but I did a sneaky 3-way call as Dale was talking to Mary McTiernan. Dale knew I was on the line but Mary did not. Mary was telling Dale how ‘down and out’ I was and that she knew I was going to call Paloma today. Dale didn’t tell her what had happened during my phone call with Paloma earlier today. Mary was right though. I really was ‘down and out’. I hope the card I mailed to Paloma will smooth things over and make things more clear and understanding.

After work, Tim Matthews couldn’t get his car started, so I let him use my car to ‘jump start’ his car battery.

I arrived home at 5:45PM, checked my mailbox and read a new letter from Paloma. The letter was sad. She wrote how she hated it there and probably wouldn’t be in the USA on May 26th to celebrate my birthday at Benihana of Tokyo. I was ‘down and out’ especially after knowing what I had told her today. She wrote how she hadn’t been going to the gym and how much she loved and missed me. Boo hoo. Now I only wish I could see her again because I simply cannot make a marriage decision over phone calls and letters. I need to point that out to her. Perhaps I will fly to France in July or September.

I went to the gym and saw Buddy and Russ. I just did my workout. I was in no mood to socialize. Both Buddy and Russ said “Hello”. I did two rounds on the Nautilus weight training equipment and one twelve minute non-stop ride on the Life Cycle.

I got out of the gym early and started to dwell on ‘The Paloma Predicament’ during my drive home. Once I was home I read Paloma’s letter again. I returned a few phone calls per messages that were left for me by Marty.

I received a call from Sherri.
“Mike, could you babysit Ashley for a couple of hours while John and I go to the show?”
“Okay.”
Then I returned a call to Frank Vasconcellos.
Frank said, “I’ve been trying to reach you.”
“Oh? Sorry I hadn’t called you back sooner.”
Frank sounded like he had been in a depressed state of mind lately.
“I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist,” Frank disclosed, “and I called Suicide Prevention a couple of times.”
“You’re kidding? You can talk to me.”
“I know but you’re hard to get a hold of.”
I believe I soothed his mind a bit just from that phone call. After I hung up the phone receiver I wrote him a card using the “Buick at Sunset” image to cheer him up. We made plans to go to a movie or just plain talk things out on Thursday. I’m looking forward to it. I hope his hair is not pitch-black again. Frank mentioned about wanting to talk about this coming summer, too. So, we’ll see how things go.

I telephoned Dale and I read him the letter from Paloma. He talked me out of calling her tomorrow. I appreciate his advice. I wonder if he is right.
Dale said, “Oh Michael. I received the card you sent of the little boy and girl that you sent to Dee and me today. It almost brought a tear of joy to my eye.”
I laughed. “It did?”
It made me feel good to hear him say that. I’m glad he’s my good buddy.

Steff called and point blank asked, “How serious are you truly in learning how to horseback ride?”
“Really? Truly? I really do want to learn!”
We didn’t talk very long because I was on the phone with Dale.
“Listen Steff, I’m on the other line and I’ll call you back.”
I didn’t call her back. I went to bed, jerked-off and slept.

Dale said, “I’m going to call Mary McTiernan tonight because she wants to talk to me.”
“I wonder what she wants to talk about.”
“She has a crush on you, Michael. I know because Sue told me. And I confronted Mary about it and she did not deny it. At least I don’t think she did.”
“Well, either she did or not. She has nice, wide hips and her blue eyes do go well with her brown hair.”
“So you like her?”
“I like her smiles. The hips are a bit too wide but that’s okay. She’s not ‘OW’ at least.” (OverWeight).

"We needed symbolic gestures to strengthen our convictions."
-Saturn in Opposition (2007 Film)

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"Steamed" and "Stuffed"

Art is "magic without power," the point being that money is power and dangerous whereas art does no harm, is magic, but hasn't the power to destroy that money does.
-May Sarton
"At Eighty-Two", a Journal

Twenty-five years ago today:

April 21, 1985
Sunday

I called mom and made a deal with her. I’d supply dessert if she made breakfast (since Steff gave me the remainder of the lemon meringue pie to take home).

Dale called me at my mom’s just before I was going to eat breakfast.
“So, how did it go last night?”
“Well, if you want to know if we kissed or not the answer is no.”
“And?”
“If you want to know if we held hands or not the answer is no.”
“And?”
“If you want to know if we slow danced or not the answer is no.”
I gave him the news he wanted to know. My mom was standing there and could hear him.
“Are you doing anything special for Mother’s Day for your mom?”
My mom laughed but he did not hear her (I don’t think).
“Let me speak to your mom.”
I was hesitant but handed her the phone.
Mom said, “Why don’t you call me during the week.”
Apparently, Dale had told my mom, “If you want to know something you can ask me up-front.”
“Ho Ho Ho,” I replied after he told me what he’d said.

Mom and Sherri didn’t really want to go to Sausalito via the ferry because it was drizzling a little bit.
“I don’t think it’s the best day to go,” Sherri said.

Mom did want to go and visit Helen at her condominium in Oakland. I took a nap right after dinner (which is a definite ‘no-no’). After my nap, mom and I got ready to visit Helen’s. We went to pick-up Ashley because Sherri had plans to clean houses all day and finish up invitations to Ashley’s FIRST Birthday Party. And so, Ashley accompanied mom and me to Helen’s.

Helen made us some ‘hors deurves’ after I had suggested the idea. I really didn’t think she’d go all out and actually do it though. Mom liked her place. Ashley had fun running to the mirror and just plain checking out the scenery of the new setting. We didn’t stay very long. Mom and I took Ash to the little playground near the Harbor Bay Library. I put her on the swing and let her slide down the slide. She loved it. She’s such a happy, loving child. I’m so glad she’s my niece. I’m her uncle!

I shaved my lizard (beard) off and kept the caterpillar (moustache). I will probably shave the moustache next Sunday. I need a haircut, too.

After taking Ashley home (and mom, too) I went bicycling in my new little black, gray, white and fluorescent-checkered shorts. I rode along the beach and in-and-around Harbor Bay Isle. I caught mom pulling out of the driveway en route to Mervyn’s.
“Do you want to go? I am going to look for a dress to wear at Sandy’s wedding.”
“Okay, I’ll go with you. Let me just ride home to change.”
While at Mervyn’s I helped mom choose a dress that I thought would look great on her. She needs to buy some white shoes, earrings, a necklace and maybe a hat, too. I felt a bit uncomfortable in the bra, panty and slip department but I got a kick out of watching the ladies shop for bras. That was an interesting sight, seeing one lady feel the bra cups softness. Ha-ha.

After mom happily left Mervyn’s with her new dress we went to Fish & Chips. I ate dinner at mom and dad’s house. Dad got a little “steamed”—at first—when I mentioned how his niece, Gloria, and her husband owed them twenty-thousand dollars. After dinner I walked home feeling rather “stuffed”.

Marty was home but left for a jog.

Steff called and she said, “I will be having a bodyguard on Friday night at the CHICAGO concert because my annoying husband has threatened to kill me.”
“What? Are you kidding me?”
“No. I was protected in a will that states that if something happens to me…and if you become a famous model.”
“Give me a break. I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“Jean-Pierre and I think you’d make a great model. He even said that your suspender outfit reminded him of his home country, France.”

Dale called me and said, “Sue and Mary called me. We had a three way.”
He meant a three-way calling conversation, of course.
“We had a three way conversation about you and ‘The Paloma Predicament’ and the Steff ‘obnoxious-weird lady’ story. We all have a plan to follow you on Friday, April 26th during your lunch date with Steff Redding.”
Dale continued with all of the details of their conversation.
“What else?”
“I was only trying to protect your interests, Michael.”
“I wish you hadn’t told them about my having Steff portray my modeling manager!”
“Do you think Mary may have a crush on you?”
“It crossed my mind but I don’t know,” I replied, deciding to play ‘dumb’.
“Well, I told them ALL that I could about you, Paloma, me and Steff, including your dinner date last night.”
“I kind of wish you weren’t all talking about me that way.”
“Wait a minute…I said ‘why do you think we were bad-mouthing Steffanie’. Are we jealous of her?”
“What?”
“Mary even said ‘We all like Mike and don’t like to see him mixed up with this weird lady’.”
After listening to Dale I thought it weird that Steff called me last night at 2AM to say that her dad was of Royal Heritage from Poland.

Steff is a lady. If the band bows to her that’s why…big Whoopey-Dooey… She’s always coming out with some ‘left field’ statements.

Dale can’t make up his mind about a girls’ name for his baby. He is thinking along the lines of Rachel, Monica or Amanda. For a boy it will be named ‘Andrew Michael Joe Orlando’ (not bad).

I asked mom about the dinner idea at the San Francisco CLIFF HOUSE with Dale and family. She’s all for it, so it may be a scheduled event after all.

There’s a movie on tonight called “EMBASSY” that looks appealing but I think I am going to bed instead. Yawn.

Life to him meant action, rather than thought. He had that rarest of all things, common sense.
-Oscar Wilde
"Lord Arthur Savile's Crime"

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Breathless

"All I needed was some place to dance and somebody to love me."
-Tap (1989 Film)

Twenty-five years ago today:

April 20, 1985
Saturday

At 8:30AM I received a surprise phone call from Elisa Brown. We set up a spur of the moment meeting at Alameda Joe’s in the Mel’s Bowling Alley for breakfast. It will be fun to see her and her daughter, Stephanie. It’s been over a year since I have seen them.

While I was getting ready for my breakfast outing Steffanya Redding telephoned to confirm our outing for tonight. I am to be at her pad by 6:30PM.
“It won’t be a problem. I’ll be there,” I reassured her.
“I also have more clothes to give to you for Ashley that Tabitha can’t fit into anymore.”
“Oh, okay, that’s sweet of you.”

Dale called, too.
“Dee still hasn’t had the baby.”
“I’m sure it will be soon.”
“Why don’t you come over today?”
“Well, it sounds a like a good idea after my breakfast outing with Elisa. Why don’t I call you at around twelve-thirty?”
“Okay, call me.”

Elisa and I had a nice breakfast. She wrote me a six-dollar check for the meal because she didn’t want to “owe” anything. I didn’t mention the fact that she never did reimburse me for all of the money that I paid for her way to Hawaii (the trip we took together in June 1979).

Elisa brought a photo album for us to look over during those Hawaiian days. She also brought her daughter, Stephanie Brown. She has grown up a lot and really looks cute. After our breakfast and catching up on things like ‘Tony and Helen’s marriage’, Ashley’s turning eleven months old, my almost marriage to Paloma, her sister Bunni living in Walnut Creek, Bonni Jayne’s bartending in New York and her mom’s adopted son and how the adopted son’s parents are now pregnant again with twins!

After breakfast we went to the Harbor Bay Isle outdoor flea market. Elisa bought a little sandbox for Stephanie for one-dollar. I almost bought a Victorian picture made out of ceramic tiles for twenty-dollars but did not. After our little exploration we went to my mom’s and little Stephanie Brown met little Ashley Armijo. John and Sherri had just arrived with Ashley as they had plans to attend a baseball game at the Oakland Coliseum. Elisa was gabbing away with Sherri about each other’s daughter. Ashley got a real kick out of Stephanie and vice versa. Once John and Sherri left Elisa and Steph left, then I left.

I went home to change clothes. I called Dale at 12:30PM as promised.
“Okay, I’m on my way.”
I reached Pittsburg while Dale was doing his gardening work around the house. We both washed my car but I must admit---Dale did most of the work. We played a lemonade game on his home computer. We watched the PLAYBOY Channel too. Some of the strippers (male and female) were really good. Dale shared an interesting story with me after I told him about my SUAVE deodorant.
Dale said, “I once tried it with a banana and I tried it on Dee once, too. She didn’t want to do it at first—but then she liked it. So when we tried it another time she bled so we quit what was the start of the banana routine.”
“That’s funny.”
“Yes, but it is possible to do.”
I frowned.

Dale called his friend, Peter a couple of times but he wasn’t home. Dale was annoyed when I kept calling his dog “Scruffy”.
“Michael, his name is Dusty!”
“I know but it looks like a scruffy,” I said.

By the time 6:30PM rolled around I had to get ready to go to Fairfield. There was a misunderstanding in Dale’s driving directions. I took a longer route through Highway 160 to Highway 12 but I got to Steff’s by 7:45PM. It took thirty-five minutes longer than Dale’s predicted twenty minutes.

When I arrived at Steff’s she wanted to go to the Officer’s Club, then dinner afterwards. We took Tabitha to a black woman babysitter. The Officer’s Club was “dead” but we managed to make it enjoyable. We each had a White Russian cocktail and danced to about five different songs. Jean-Pierre, the modeling agent guy, is black and seemed quite friendly. I thought it interesting that he was from France.
Jean-Pierre said, “You will be attending a class in San Francisco.”
It was all news to me…really. Time will tell. While time dragged at The Officer’s Club we eventually headed to the Non-Commissioned Club even though I didn’t really feel like going out tonight. Lucky for me, Steff didn’t have her ID card, so we couldn’t get in to the Non-Commissioned Club.

We went to find Tabitha but got a bit confused as to which house she was at. We finally found it and Tabitha, Steff and I went to her friend Josephine’s for a quick minute. Then it was time to get a video movie: “Breathless”. Tabitha and I were in the car and I was playing games with her with my spider ring and my ten fingers and her eleven fingers (I counted wrong on purpose). Tabitha found that amusing.


When we got back to Steff’s house Tab and I had some lemon meringue pie. Tab went to bed and Steff and I watched “Breathless”. The story is by Francois Truffaut (“A Bout De Soufflé") and the screenplay was written by Jean-Luc Godard, starring Richard Gere. I wonder why we watched that movie. It's about the last man on earth any woman needs...but every woman wants.

I went straight home after the movie. If I hadn’t had that cup of coffee before I left her house I’d have fallen asleep during the drive! I arrived home at 1:55AM. I got a call from her while I was fooling around, “I got home okay,” I said. Then I went to bed, wondering if I had tried the “speed” that she had. She didn’t offer it, just said she had it. I wonder how it would have affected me. I may try it this Friday during the CHICAGO concert.

"Your love disturbs me."
-A Love To Hide (2005 Film)

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Warm Fuzzies

"We're all subject to our moods, our little depressions now and then."

-James Kirkwood
"Good Times Bad Times", a novel

Twenty-five years ago today

April 19, 1985
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A card/letter from Steffanya dated “1985”:

Dear Mike,
Go ahead and laugh at me, but this card reminded me of Paloma and you. Don’t be upset with me please. It’s just that even though I’m divorced I still believe marriages are for-ever. And it is hard for me to face the fact that people can be so careless of their mate’s feelings. And people do it daily. Please if you do marry—don’t be insensitive to one another’s feelings. See one thing I’ve noticed about me since my divorce and having started dating, if someone shows too much interest I flee and fast. I don’t even look back twice. The worst part is I know what my dream man is like and the type of man—I need—but “unfortunately” they are not one in the same. But don’t fret Paloma will appear again. And when you feel like you’re bummed out because you miss her, think of your favorite times the two of you shared together.

Smile…You’ve an adorable smile.

Today after holding Janna (the 7 month old baby girl), I really missed having a baby around the house. So on my lunch tomorrow I’m going to check out the options opened to me for having a new baby. You’re the only person I’ve ever told this to! But when I told you my ex pushed me down the stairs pregnant—I didn’t lose one child. I lost my set of twin sons. I wanted to die when the Dr. told me. I still wonder around October (month I lost them) what they would be like. And to this day I still do not know how I was transported to the hospital. But it’s all in the past. Don’t feel sorry for my sons or I—I’m over the hurt--and I figure God just removed my sons from a hell on earth. And Tabitha is safe with me. So probably Monday I’ll know what my chances are of conceiving twins again are—Well sorry to bore you.
Friends, Steff.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dale brought me a pink rose and a golden rose from his garden for my desk.
“Can I get your permission to give the pink rose to Margaret Lai because she was so sweet and consoling yesterday regarding ‘The Paloma Predicament’?”
Dale replied, “Of course!”
I think that’s what I will refer to it as: ‘The Paloma Predicament’ because that’s exactly what it is. Paloma is in her home country of France, wanting to be here and willing to marry me in order to return. I don’t feel honest love in our relationship yet. So I have denied the idea of our marriage at this time.

It is exciting to begin a new journal. I love this one. I bought it at the Michael Bruno leather goods store on Market Street in San Francisco (near Castro Street).

Dale went on a premise visit this morning. I missed his presence.

Mary McTiernan shared our break time together at 10AM. We recollected last night’s event in Foster City. She reaffirmed my decision NOT to marry Paloma. I am glad I confided in her about it.

For lunch, Dale and I walked to SAKS Fifth Avenue and MACY’s. I dropped off some payments and deposited my check at the Great Western Deputy Teller machine. We then stopped for a quickie lunch at Carl’s Jr. Dale was telling me about Ryan.
“Ryan brought in a black and white nude picture of himself for me to see,” Dale said.
“No way.”
“Yes. And it was taken about four years ago for BLUEBOY magazine, a male-to-male porno magazine.”
“What did you say?”
“Well, I was a little embarrassed at first, seeing him in this new light-but he wanted to show it to me. He just didn’t want it scattered throughout the office.”
“That’s understandable.”
“I’ll tell you what. I’ll try and sneak it by your desk to show you.”
“Whatever.”
Dale did not succeed.

When Dale and I returned from lunch Ryan bumped into us.
Ryan said to me, “We should get together this weekend.”
I said, “Okay,” feeling a little surprised at the suggestion.

I later learned that Dale mentioned to Ryan what I had told him a few weeks earlier.
I had previously said, “Ryan doesn’t invite me to outings.”
That’s why Ryan sort of casually did it today. That’s nice. When I think of Ryan I regretfully recall his ex (Ron Shelly) and the brief encounter we shared in my car a month ago.
“It is part of my past,” I say.
Dale says, “I’d never have sex with Ryan because he’s too susceptible and promiscuous. His catching the famed disease of AIDS would not be a surprise-but it would be a hardship for us since we like his friendly personality so much.”
“That’s true.”

Cindy Chow surprisingly came up behind me a few times today to massage my shoulders.
She said, “You always smell so good.”
That was sweet of her. “Why thanks.”
I love compliments. I think those little ‘warm fuzzies’ are what makes every person’s day go on happily.

It was a very non-busy work day. I felt quite helpful to several customers today.

Margaret Lai wanted to get together tonight at the Balboa Café on Union Street in San Francisco at around 10PM. I don’t think I’ll really want to go but I’ll call her when I come from the gym to see how we both are feeling.

On my last break I talked Jeannie (the gal in the cafeteria) into making me a strawberry milkshake with fresh vanilla ice-cream.

Mary, Dale and I were talking about Sue Fisher behind her back now that she’s sick. Mary was telling us of her silly attempt to try and arrange new telephone service for a GTE (General Telephone) customer.

Dale wanted me to drive up to ‘The Pitts’ (Pittsburg) at his house.
“It’s a possibility,” I replied.

When I arrived home I had a message from Marty Louie: ‘Frank Vasconcellos called for you.’
I didn’t bother to return the call. I just took a nap and then Dale woke me at 7PM.
“Michael, I’m on the way to the hospital. Dee may be having the baby!”
“Wow. Let me know what happens!”

After Dale woke me I got up and headed for the gym. I saw Bob, the trainer, doing aerobics. He has such defined body tone. I am so envious. I don’t think I’m so bad in comparison to a lot of my peers at that gym. Tonight’s workout was torture. It was really tiring and difficult because I had been without (the gym) since Monday! I can’t continue to spoil my commitment with the gym now that I’m beginning to feel some real improvement in my body. It will be fascinating to see my body-building development come January 18, 1986 when I have been at this activity for a full year.

After my gym shower and the observatory QBL’s (Questionable) hanging-out and eyeing me. I left.

When I got home I finished what little cranberry juice I had left in the refrigerator. When I called Margaret Lai she was sleeping.
“I don’t feel like going out,” Margaret said.
It worked out. I discussed ‘The Paloma Predicament’ with her again and she reaffirmed my decision at this late hour.

I called Dale Orlando but there was no answer. I left a message on his recorder, requesting an update as to whether the baby was delivered.

I wrote Paloma a lengthy letter and a postcard. I wrote Dale & Dee Orlando a prefatory “having your baby” card, too.

I wrote Jim Koran, explaining ‘The Paloma Predicament’.

After completing the letter writing for the night I hit the shower and had a field day with ‘Rosy Palm and her five sisters’ of love.

As I was drifting off to sleep Dale returned my phone call.
“You leave funny messages on the recorder.”
“I’m glad you laughed. So what happened?”
“Dee hasn’t had the baby. She’s asleep now.

In 1984 I became an Uncle for the first time. Now, in 1985 I will be a Godfather. What’s in store for 1986?

Dale and I agreed that Mary McTiernan sides with the company that she’s with. It’s true. We know her way too well.

When I got off the phone with Dale I got off myself, brushed my teeth vigorously and went downstairs to update this journal while watching Friday Night Videos. I saw a “CHICAGO” music video. I began to think about how I will be backstage at their concert next Friday. I’ll be partying with the group members after the show (maybe). I can’t wait. It should prove for a new kind of evening for me.

I still have a dinner date tomorrow night in Fairfield with Steffanya Redding. Then there’s a meeting with Jean-Pierre, the so-called impressive modeling agent that Steff raves about. Who knows…if/when I make the cover of a major magazine I will thank her fondly. With Steff as my agent/manager I may get somewhere. I don’t know.
Steff says, “You have an appointment on May 11th for a photo shoot at the Grimme Agency in San Francisco!”
It’s scary if it’s true. Why do I always question her? I guess it’s because it’s all so unbelievable sometimes.

When I telephoned mom today she made me laughed because they said they put a brunette wig on Ashley (an old one that my mom had). They cracked up because it looked so funny. John brought his camera the next day. Ashley started to cry because Dad, John and Mom started to laugh again. Poor Ashley. I can’t wait until Sunday when we all go to Sausalito via the ferry. It should be fun.

I wish I had the patience to make the time to write as complete an entry in my journal as I have for today. Good night for now.

And though no one had spoken, there had been a moment.
Sometimes moments are much more telling, much more memorable than an exchange of words or even an argument.
-James Kirkwood
"Good Times Bad Times", a novel

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Things Have Changed

"What's the matter? A cloud just passed before your face."
-Miss Potter (2006 Film)

Twenty-five years ago today:

April 18, 1985
Thursday

I wrote a letter to Paloma, laying my ground rules to our marriage. I also wrote to Bobbie Renbarger, telling her about my roommate, Marty and my possible marriage to Paloma.

Thinking it over…things have changed. The three factors that made me change my mind to instruct Dale to call the bank to stop payment on the fee for my Immigration fiancé forms were:
1. Margaret Lai’s story of influence of her own relationship.
2. The attractiveness of the blond gal on ‘The Grafenberg Spot’ X-rated flick I saw last night
3. And mom’s words: “Do you love her? Don’t jump the gun.”

I am not going to marry just because my brothers got married.

Margaret Lai married an American citizen for the sole reason of coming into this country.
“At the time, I thought I was in love,” Margaret said.
“So what do you recommend?”
“Michael, I recommend a NO vote on doing the marriage deal even if I don’t know the total relationship between you and Paloma. The doubt and wonder will always be there.”

Another factor is the fact that Paloma said, “Thank you” after I told her we were getting married in July. The “Thank You” remark just did not go over well with me. Despite the involved letter I wrote Paloma about our ideal marriage I feel it is a “NO GO” now. I plan to write her a “Dear Jane” later.

Dale was on a client premise visit in Antioch today. He gave me a couple of Pac Bell sales referrals. He placed a stop payment on that check requiring a five-dollar fee. Dale arrived at about noon and then we went to the Galleria for pizza. I explained to him what changed my mind.
“Michael, I am so relieved.”
“You are?”
“Yes, I gave Margaret Lai a hug for influencing you.”
“Steff thought I was doing the right thing, so did my mom. And so did Mary McTiernan when I decided to not go through with it under these circumstances.”
“You are,” Dale said, patting me on the back.
“Well, I feel good. Now the major part is to explain this to Paloma.”
“You can do it.”
“I will call her on Monday explaining the complications. I’ll just say it’s a ‘no go’ and I will send an upcoming letter with more explanation. I will need to work on that.”

I had a scoop of vanilla ice-cream and strawberries during my break. Yummy.

After work Dale and I went to Mary’s and then we all went to Foster City. Mary pretended to be Dale’s wife for some sales pitch. I was a friend that tagged along. It was fun to do the pretend role play. We all had a good laugh. Dale won a prize to observe an American Travel Package Plan. I didn’t think it was worth it. Our interviewer was a gal named Patrice Curtin. She was a good liar and seemed very nervous as a sales representative. We calmed her down a bit (but just a bit). Dale joked around to Patrice.
“Michael often accompanies my wife and me on vacations. He’s a very close friend,” Dale explained.
I thought that was so funny that he could say it with a straight face while Mary and I looked so serious. We really did have a good time except it was embarrassing because there were only couples. We were the only ‘trio’. We all gathered in a conference room to view a slide show. A representative appeared and announced each of the couples names individually. We were hoping to be announced last (being the only trio and all). Oh no…we were the third ones to be called. A lot of them laughed and made a few ‘hissing’, weird remarks. We just laughed off the embarrassing moment. What else can one do in times of distress and embarrassment? One has to laugh it off. At least that is my personal escape.

After our lengthy interview and explanation of the deal by Patrice a manager came along and Dale said, “No” to the deal. We graduated to the Wheel Of Fortune and Dale won the American Tourister Luggage.
Whoop-Dee-Doo! I will have to say that we all deserve an Academy Award nomination for Best Actor (me); Best Actress (Mary) and Best Supporting Actor (Dale).

After the whole spiel we went to TGIF’s in San Mateo. I treated them to drinks, appetizers and dinner. I am now well fed for the week from that place! It was so filling. It was fun there, too. There were many men looking to pick-up. I saw some definite “QBL” types (Questionable). There were a lot of checking-me out looks (of which I felt some).

Steff and I are having dinner on Saturday. Dale told Mary about the dinner. I denied it because it’s none of their business what I plan to do.

It was strange that Sue Fischer didn’t answer her door when we stopped at her place in Millbrae. Oh well (?).

After TGIF’s Dale dropped Mary McTiernan off at her house. On the way to my car in the San Francisco parking lot I told Dale, “You blew it.”
“When?” Dale asked.
“You blew it when you told Patrice Curtin that her Aunt was Jane Curtin--the same Jane Curtin that slept with Tom Selleck in that movie.”
“I don’t think there was anything wrong with that statement.”
“Well, you blew it when you said that.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Oh…and I can’t believe when that one married man got some coffee and you said ‘MT’. Did you know that Mary heard that?”
“Mary and Sue both have no idea about my previous history as a lover of men.”
“Yeah, but Dale…that isn’t really HISTORY, is it?”
I didn’t have the heart to go on about it with him. I believe Mary and Sue know already. It was only a month ago that Mary asked me, “Didn’t Dale used to be...before he got married?”
I didn’t really deny it. I didn’t really totally agree either. Or did I? Regardless, they know! I made Dale think twice. Sometimes he blurts blunders and only thinks about what he says a long time later. One example is the line about Jane Curtin and Tom Selleck tonight. We didn’t exchange too many words during the drive to my car. We listened to alternative rock KQAK tunes.

I think Dale was gathering thoughts in his mind.
Earlier tonight I said, “Dale, you are always bad mouthing me.”
Mary nodded.
I think Dale realized it was true. He was thinking it over but never revealed the fact.
I mean, he doesn’t ‘bad mouth’ me a whole lot when we are alone. In fact, he compliments me rather regularly. I rarely hear a positive word about me when we are with other people. Maybe it is my imagination but now that I think more about it. It’s very true.

I drove home and wrote out a few checks, then went straight to bed. Yawn.

I was feeling hollow and raw, like a canteloupe that had been split in half and scraped.
-James Kirkwood
"Good Times Bad Times", a novel

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The G-Spot

I found out when you learn something, if you absorb every little bit of information given to you each day from the very beginning on a certain subject, it becomes easy.
-James Kirkwood
"Good Times Bad Times", a novel

What is the G-Spot?

No, it is not the Giorgio-Armani Spot, it's the Grafenberg Spot.

In the 50s of last century, the gynecologist Ernest Gräfenberg described the particular reactions from the area in an article published in the International Journal of Sexology. A subsequent study conducted in 1978 by Perry and Whipple would confirm definitely grounds for Gräfenberg. The term G spot and was inspired by the 80s through the book The G-Spot and Other Recent Discoveries About Human Sexuality (Alice Kahn Ladas, Beverly Whipple and John D. Perry, 1982).
What Is The The Gräfenberg Spot?

The Gräfenberg spot or G-Spot (named after its discoverer, the German gynecologist Ernst Grafenberg) is a small area of the female genital area located behind the pubic bone and around the urethra, ie the front wall or anterior vagina and halfway between the pubic bone and cervix. It is part of the urethral sponge, which houses the Skene’s glands.

Detailed answer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/G-spot

Do you have an opinion on it?

Twenty-five years ago today:

April 17, 1985
Wednesday

I filled out the forms which state Paloma as my “fiancé”. Once she enters the United States again we have to marry within ninety days.

I telephoned Paloma at about 10AM to let her know what was going on.
“Oh Thank you. You don’t know how much I truly miss you,” Paloma said.

During my first break Dale and I went to a Notary Public who signed the form in my presence and then I mailed it off to the US Immigration Department.

I ate a (quarter-pound) burger with cheese at lunchtime. Dale did not eat. He’s on a diet. He looks like he has lost quite a bit, too.

Since DYNASTY wasn’t going to be on TV tonight I suggested that Dale and I see a movie or go to MACY’s. He concurred. We went to my pad after work today.

While at my place I received a surprise phone call from Chris Cordellos! We caught up on a few things.
Chris said, “I’ve been doing a few things with Clay. And I met a gal named Pearl.”
“Oh yeah? What else are you up to?”
“I’m working in the Tiger Department at MACY’s full-time Monday through Friday from 7 to 3.”
Dale scribbled a note while I was on the phone: ‘MACY’s doesn’t open until 10AM, so why would he be there at 7:30? I think he’s fibbing.”
Dale seemed to make a good point.
“That’s great about the job,” I said. What else could I say?
Chris continued, “The only problem is my car. It’s shot. I am thinking of getting a motorcycle.”
“A motorcycle?”
Chris suddenly whispered, “I only said that so my folks could hear that and think I was serious. They might consider making an arrangement for another car.”
I laughed. “Well, Jim was over last weekend from Los Angeles. And you remember Dale…the guy I work with?”
“Uh…yeah.”
“He has asked me to be his Godfather to his baby son. Other than that I haven’t been going out a whole lot.”

At work today I got a nice ‘GQ Model’ compliment from Margaret Lai. That was so sweet of her. Margaret Lai reminds me a bit of Sandy Gallegos, my cousin who is getting married in June.

I telephoned mom and told her the news.
“Yeah, so mom…Paloma and I will probably be getting married in July.”
Mom sounded happy. I think she was glad to hear it. I think it comforts her to know that if anything ever happened to her…someone would be there to take care of me.

It freaked me out today when Karyn Kossoff came to my cubicle today to confront me.
“Are you getting married?” Karyn asked in a point-blank, demanding manner.
“No,” I replied and left it at that.
How she got hold of that rumor is beyond me. I could only imagine Tim (Dale’s carpool companion cohort), saying something. Or it could be Dennis Reno; yet, how would he know?

David Vigil returned to the office after his Marathon ordeal in New York. He stopped by my cubicle.
David said in his usual feminine lisp, “Michael, I saw you the Sunday before last at the I-BEAM but didn’t come up to you because I didn’t want to embarrass you.”
“No big deal,” I replied.
Then I thought, “What an ass!”
What will he think when he hears of my marriage plans in June when they are officially announced? (If at all…) Maybe I will keep my marriage ‘hush-hush’ like. Helen and Tony have done it that way. It seems more sensible to cause less question and havoc.

I received a neat “Young John Wayne” card today from my good buddy, Jim Koran. It was a nice card and I know we’ll remain friends (perhaps even after he hears of my wedded bliss news).

Dale and I decided to go to San Francisco to see “The Grafenberg Spot”, an X-rated movie at the Mitchell Bros. Theater. On the way Dale said, “Sue Leith is jealous of all the attention you get from me.”
“She is?”
“Yes, and you are a trite jealous over my relationship with Ryan, aren’t you?”
It all seemed silly. I hope Sue Leith will open up to me more. She’s sweet and I like her.

Dale and I had a good laugh over the “G” Spot flick. I learned a few pointers that I believe will come in handy once I ‘tie the knot’. I shouldn’t worry so much about my sexual performance with Paloma and just take it slow and easy. I’ll probably get more out of it.

Dale mentioned that there was an inside story to Dee’s pregnancy. I wonder what it is.
Dale said, “No one has ever questioned it before.”
And now I am beginning to wonder if the child she is having is really Dale’s child. It must be—but who knows?
“Dee had an abortion some seven years ago and has felt truly guilty ever since,” Dale confessed.
“Really? I am sure my friend, Suzy felt the same way. She aborted at age 21 and is now so-so “Christianity” oriented.”

I tried calling Suzy last night but she was not at home. I talked to her new roommate who remembered meeting me on the beach a few months back. She didn’t look more than sixteen years old (but according to Suzy she is twenty-one).

Dale and I had a good time watching the X-rated flick but I couldn’t believe it when he suggested going to the back row to ‘jerk-off’. I was a definite “NO GO” to that idea. Then the urinating orgasm scene was so funny. We laughed. And the main male character had to be named “Michael”, too. The blond porn actress in the flick was cute and had a nice semi-muscular body. It reminded me of my sweet Paloma.

I had advised Paloma that I would call her on Monday or Tuesday. I also promised to write to her. I’ll have to write her and lay down “some” ground rules about our marriage. I want our marriage to NOT take on a significant change in our current relationship at all. I’d like it to be similar to Dale & Dee’s marriage in that Dale still has his own life. Dee still marks a fraction of possessiveness. I want Paloma and I to have a FUN, semi-open, free marriage. I will have to explain that to her. I mean—I want to be committed to one another but with allowances to going out, not being jealous, not getting angry or being a “nag”.

"And remember, don't allow your emotions to take over. Once you become emotional in debate, you've lost."
-James Kirkwood,
"Good Times Bad Times", a novel

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It Takes Two

"You have opened doors for me that might have remained forever closed, and for that I can only give you the small tribute of my love."
That line showed that those years were not unremembered, that he was different for having known me, and what more can I ask, knowing that he remembers?
-Nial Kent
"The Divided Path"

Twenty-five years ago today:

April 16, 1985
Tuesday

I drove all the way in to San Francisco today. There was no carpool pick-up by Dale like yesterday. Boo Hoo.

Dale learned once and for all that Paloma’s brother cannot petition for her to come to the USA until he has had his green card for five years. He has only had it for two years.

My whiskers are still there and growing. So far I’ve heard ‘goods & bads’. Like anything else it will take some getting used to… And then, I may shave it off. The black women seem to like it.
Karyn Kossoff said, “I think it looks good.”

Today I couldn’t keep a straight mind on my work. I was thinking a lot about marriage to Paloma. There are positive moments and then again…I feel a slight, “Uh-Oh, What about my freedom?” So, I’m not sure.

I ended up playing it up lazy and did not drive to Fairfield for the observation of Jean-Pierre’s’ modeling class. What I did do was go straight home and nap until 7:30PM when Steff telephoned.
“Michael, I think Paloma is trying to use you.”
“What? There’s no way.”
“I am telling you that in French Charm School she was literally taught to be sly and conniving with men.”
“Well, I think Paloma is different.”
What nerve!

Dale telephoned me about his visit with Yan, the fellow who got his lover in the USA from France.
“Yan is starting a business but he’s not starting it until next year. So he can’t help until next year.”
“What else did you find out?” I asked.
“In the meantime, you just have to make a decision.”
“Well, I’ve thought it over and of all the good times Paloma and I have shared together it definitely outweighs the bad. I want to marry her. I am beginning to feel real excited about it.”
“Are you sure this is what you want to do?” Dale asked.
“I have a week off in July, so I think I will plan on it for the weekend before that vacation. I love Paloma’s smile and I can just see little Valerian or Dhyana now,” I laughed.

Wow, does this mean I will be a married man before the end of 1985? Oh, it’ll be fun playing “house” with Paloma Armijo.

It was pure laziness last night. I forgot I wanted to write to Paloma and Bobbie Renbarger. I will do it after the gym workout tonight (I trust).

I like the idea of an outing more and more between Tony & Helen and John & Sherri and Paloma & I. That could prove fun.

I am just slightly worried about 20% of my marriage to Paloma. That’s the sexual-intimacy part. I mean, we’ve kissed sensually enough before—but in terms of actual intercourse, etc. We are virgins amongst each other. Then again, I suppose that’s how it should be before every marriage. I believe in time we’ll grow to a great sexual life. She’s gorgeously sexy. That’s no lie. I so yearn to ‘have’ her, too. I just know I’m going to feel a bit awkward the first time—or else I’m going to have the finest f*&#%k. It’s one or the other. I am sure of it. I like the fact that she has good feminine hygiene in cleanliness and shaving in the right places (and more), etc.

I can tell Dale and Steff don’t want me to marry Paloma. The only doubt I have about the marriage is doing it under these circumstances. (The idea of her being in France and only being able to come back is through me.) The 20% problem I mentioned above is a minor issue. I’ve completely gotten over the Immigration and Naturalization circumstances. That’s really a technicality now that I think about it. We’ve actually been engaged since January 1985 (really). We almost ‘tied the knot’ then. So, I will do what feels RIGHT for me. The right feeling is for me to be with Paloma for the next two years and hopefully the rest of my life if God permits. Our great way of communication and faithfulness permits it all to happen.

"I realize it takes two to make a relationship."
"That's right. One person can't do it all. And when you've realized that and start doing something about it, you're more than halfway toward making a relationship a successful one."
-Nial Kent
"The Divided Path"

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