Suspicious Love

"Do you regret our love? I must know."
"Why do they ask? she thought. Do they ask the sun if it regrets the light?
"No, I do not," she answered tenderly. "I only regret that we must part today."
"Must it be today?"
"Today is easier than tomorrow," she replied.
He did not deny the truth.
-Bette Bao Lord
in her book,
"Spring Moon"

A song by Camouflage comes to mind today. They are a German synthpop and dance music trio. They performed this tune in 1993 that I really love. Listen!
www.youtube.com/watch?v=djlrWtIRxXs

'Suspicious Love' Lyrics

Try to tell me something,
Try to tell me how it feels,
Build it up to beat it down again,
All the things you're hiding,
All the games you play with me,
Build it up to beat it down again.
Suspicious love,
Froze my natural laugh,
And I need to change,
But something keeps me here.
I feel I know,
I won't let it grow,
And I need to change,
But something keeps me here,
I refuse to crawl.
Got to tell you something,
Got to tell you how it feels,
Once built up and beaten down again.
Promises once spoken,
All the warmth you gave to me
Leave me always somehow inbetween...
I'd like to see you crawling.

Twenty-five years ago today:

March 15, 1984, Thursday

First of all, Paloma had intended on having lunch with me and she "faced" me once again! Why? She had to work.
"Could we go out tonight instead of on Friday night because I have something to do?" Paloma asked.
Who knows what she has to do? Perhaps she made another date!
"Sure," I said, feeling quite curious, "I'll call you this evening."

Paloma called me as soon as I arrived home from work. To my amazement I heard the most odd story from her. Then again, I did implore her to tell me because it was clear she had something on her mind. And so she did.
"I am too passionate in feelings," she began with her cute French/English accent.
I listened intently.
"I am starting to love another guy very much that I met at a party in Berkeley."
Believe me, I was hurt during this process. I didn't hide my feelings and I let her know it. What nerve of her to tell me this.

I thought we were on the brink of something special. Apparently we were not.
"I am looking for real love," she said.
I guess I am too--but love is something that grows over time. This is what I believe.

She is a done for 'wench' as far as I'm concerned!
"I am going to my exercise class now and I will call you at 8:45," Paloma continued, "so I can talk to you some more."
She pointed out clearly how she really wished to talk more.

I, of course, had to go off into the sunset on my bicycle for exhilarating relief while she was off to her exercise class in the City. It was funny because I almost thought she referred to this "guy" as a "she". I thought she was going to spill her guts out about being bisexual (which--in turn--one could say is my very own inner truth).

That evening I drove to my Dad's for a bite to eat. I think there were other reasons I wanted to be away. I didn't want to be home for Paloma's telephone call. I needed time. I decided to drive into the City myself. I went to visit some bar called 'The Stud' that I had heard about. I went to 'The Stud' and arrived early, so it was boring. There were hardly any people there. I did have three vodka gimlets at $1.05 each. Some 'tub of lard' from San Mateo started talking to me. Another fellow who worked at the establishment gave me a handful of "hellos". I seemed to get my fair share of looks as the time ticked on. I couldn't take the vibes there anymore. I left for Alameda. I took a shower when I got home and slept on my 'frustrations'.