I Like Boys

“You’re a different fish in a sea of sameness.”
-Jason F. Wright
In his novel, ‘The Wednesday Letters’

I read a book called ‘Telling Tales Out of School’ about a month ago. The following excerpt inspired me to write my very own ‘write-up’ of when I realized I was gay:

“I knew I liked boys more than I should. I had already had a torrid, if one-sided affair with Montgomery Clift and several other actors I saw in late-night movies on TV.”
-John DiCarlo
In the book,
‘Telling Tales Out of School’ edited by Kevin Jennings.

I laughed when I came across the above line as I was reading some of the stories in ‘Telling Tales Out of School’ (about gays, lesbians and bisexuals revisiting their school days). I did not really know the actor, Montgomery Clift, but he is on my priority ‘movie rental’ list.

My very own personal torrid, one-sided affair was with Robert Conrad, the actor who played James T. West in the TV series The Wild Wild West. I never knew his real name was Konrad Robert Falkowski until today!

It must have been in tenth or eleventh grade that I really confirmed—in my mind--my attraction to boys.

I grew up as a Catholic schoolboy at St. Anthony’s School in Oakland, California. When I was in sixth grade I was on the chunky side and began attending my first public school in Alameda, CA. I had a secret envy for wanting to be slim like most of the other boys in my class. I never realized my attraction to boys at this early stage though.

We are all different, special and unique in our own sexual-oriented way. Many kids ‘play act’ and dress up and ‘act out’ as ‘so and so’ during their growing up years. Girls could never be avoided. To this day girls still cannot be removed from my life. I love women.
I recall one gay friend asking me in my twenties, “You like tuna?” It never occurred to me that was his slang way of asking me if I liked women.
“Sometimes I do,” I said.

During my high-school years I remember being in the garage one summer, reading ads from an old newspaper known as the Berkeley Barb. My Dad would get the newspapers from friends at work every once in a while. There were explicit requests by men (and women) looking to date and act out sexual pleasures. Many of the advertisements were not really comprehensible to me at the time.

Looking back I realized I was homophobic (and I still am—to some extent). When I was seventeen I subscribed to PLAYBOY magazine for a year. I thought the magazines would help me get the ‘boy craze’ out of my mind. It was my way of trying to draw the attention away. This was around the time I had the one-sided affair/crush on actor Robert Conrad among others (Lyle Wagoner in the Carol Burnett Show; David Cassidy who played Keith Partridge in The Partridge Family; Bobby Sherman and a few other teen idols. I was what I called an “in-betweenie” in high-school. I had friends among the jocks and cheerleaders, the bookworms and the burnouts (the students who smoked cigarettes behind the school). I could easily interchange friendships in-between each of the sector cliques, allowing me to fit in with most everyone.

“Stranger, if you passing see me and desire to speak to me,
Why should I not speak to you?
And why should you not speak to me?”
-Walt Whitman

I had a secret crush on Paul Michael Glaser, the brilliant tough cop in the TV show “Starsky & Hutch”. It seems funny now. The “it” guy for me was ‘West’ of The Wild Wild West.

Years later (in 1991) I would attend my boyfriends’ daughters’ piano recital in Malibu, California only to actually see Robert Conrad in the audience, seated two rows away from me. He was older (more chunky) and much shorter than I expected. I thought him much taller when watching the repeat TV episodes in the 1970s. I was sidetracked during this piano recital event because actress Lindsay Wagner was there, too. She played ‘The Bionic Woman’ on TV and I had a secret crush on her too.

It was June 1979 and my very ‘first’ ‘Tale Out of School’ happened. I took a trip to Hawaii with a former girlfriend named Elisa Berney. We were like ‘brother and sister’ at this point. We were both twenty years old and were strictly platonic pals. We were so excited about our first vacation getaway to Hawaii. There’s something about that tropical heat that gets one going.

One night Elisa and I went to a dance club. I can still hear that Donna Summer song going strong.
“Bad Girls”

Toot toot, hey, beep beep
Toot toot, hey, beep beep
Toot toot, hey, beep beep
Toot toot, hey, beep beep
Bad girls
Talkin' about the sad girls
Sad girls
Talkin' about bad girls, yeah
See them out on the street at night
Picking up on all kinds of strangers
If the price is right
You can score if your pocket's nice
But you want a good time
You ask yourself, who they are?
Like everybody else, they come from near and far
Bad girls, yeah
Bad girls
Talkin' about the sad girls, yeah
Sad girls
Talkin' about bad bad girls, yeah
Friday night and the strip is hot
Sun's gone down and they're about to trot
Spirit's high and they look hot
Do you wanna get down
Now, don't you ask yourself, who they are?
Like everybody else, they wanna be a star
Yeah, yeah, there comes
Bad girls, sad girls
You're such a dirty bad girl
Beep beep, uh uh
You're bad girl, you're sad girl
You're such a dirty bad girl
Beep beep, uh uh
Now you and me, we are both the same
But you call yourself by different names
Now your Mama won't like it when she finds out
Girl, is out at night
Toot toot, hey, beep beep
Toot toot, hey, beep beep
Toot toot, hey, beep beep
Toot toot, hey, beep beep
Hey mister, have you got a dime?
Mister, do you want to spend some time, oh yeah
I got what you want, you got what I need
I'll be your baby, come and spend it on me
Hey mister, I'll spend some time with you
With you, you're fine, with you
Bad girls
They're just bad girls
Talkin' about sad girls, yeah
Sad girls
Hey, hey mister
Got a dime?
Toot toot, hey, beep beep
Toot toot, hey, beep beep
Toot toot, hey, beep beep
Toot toot, hey, beep beep

Elisa met an actual Hawaiian guy. She was mesmerized in ‘dance heaven’. The hotel was not far away. Feeling exhausted, I chose to head back for some shut-eye. Elisa promised to return to the hotel soon. I think she wanted to sneak in a few French ‘Bad Girl’ kisses with the Hawaiian fellow.

As I walked to the hotel I took a stroll along the beach side (not far from Waikiki Beach). I suddenly stumbled on a very ‘beach boy’ looking type who gave me eye contact. The feeling was very ‘electric’. We barely exchanged words. The eye contact and body language did all of the work for us. It was simple eye-contact and physical attraction at work. It was probably one o’clock in the morning. The only sign of real life was a McDonald’s where folks were getting their munchies cravings filled after the nightclub energy.

“Are you a local?” the ‘beach boy’ asked. He really was like a model torn from a page of Men’s Vogue.
“No, I’m on vacation from California,” I replied in a shakily and very excited tone. I felt a nervous lump in my throat as I spoke. It helps to be able to get a tan in just two days. I did look very much like a local.
“I thought for sure you were a local surfer,” he said.

I was so ‘hard’ in anticipation of what was about to happen. We found ourselves camouflaged near a large tree. He seemed so much more mature. I think I heard a new version of Donna Summer’s song.
It could have been called “Bad Boys”.
“How old are you?” I asked.
“I’m twenty-three, and you?” he asked, “What’s your name?”
“Twenty…Michael,” I said, “
I had just turned twenty years old and he was twenty-three. He was tan, blond with faint facial nubs from a couple of days of non-shaving. I had to ask his name and where he was from.
“I’m Craig. I’m from Palm Springs and I attend the University of Hawaii,” he revealed.

It was clear that we both wanted instantaneous pleasure before bedtime as I explained that I had to be back at my hotel to meet my ‘platonic’ girlfriend. It was all new for me. He suggested we go up to the lifeguard deck too look out at the ocean and the stars. It was our spot. It was my first receivership experience in the ‘oral sex’ department. It all happened so fast. Craig soon left. There was no exchange of telephone numbers.
“Thank you…Good Night,” I believe were Craig's last words.
A little voice said, “Hey Michael, you could be gay!”
I sat there alone on the lifeguard deck.

This is me.
I want to see. Quiero ver. Show me now. Feel it now.
I want to go. Quiero ir.
Listen. It could be anyone.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=03wCW2GiekY

Twenty-five years ago today:

February 9, 1984
Thursday

Today I sold sixteen 'custom calling' features. This was fantastic for me!

Helen and I took a walk to her hairdresser so she could pay for her haircut. I guess she didn't have the funds available yesterday.

I spoke to co-worker Steve for a while at break time. I also learned that Helen has a scheduled vacation next week. She didn't even remember! That's not something I would forget. She asked to reschedule it to July (I think). I am just happy my vacation escape is set for August and December.

I had planned return to Emporium Capwell today to buy that Speedo bathing suit but instead I went to the bank to deposit my $670 (that will ultimately divert to my $139 car payment, the $121 Emporium Capwell bill and the $420 VISA bill). Drats! I must get serious about my savings.

I devoured the homemade roasted chicken at mom's house and then returned to my pad for some exercise.

Chris Cordellos called from the Oak Knoll Hospital, telling me that he had been transferred to some other hospital in Fairfield this past week. It sounds 'fishy'.

While exercising I watched a couple of TV-sitcoms and read my Bicycle Guide Magazine.

Chris called once again and he started to open up more about his life. He mentioned his 'overprotective mother', his missing sister, his ex-boss, the back problems, the kind medical staff, the visiting hours (2-8pm) and his 21st Birthday in March. My 25th is on May 26th. Chris is starting to seem like a 'really nice guy' all over again. We simultaneously agreed how we both keep crossing each others' minds.

I washed a few loads of clothes, too. Surprise. Now it's "beddie bye".